One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.

He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

Ill grant you your fondest wish, the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, I want a spectacular job.

A job that no man has ever succeeded at nor has ever even dared try.

Poof! said the genie.

Youre a housewife!

Isnt it a shame that God gave men both a brain and a penis, but not enough blood to run both at the same time!

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, Well, Im a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?

The doctor answered, Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, its difficult to describe pain.

I know, but cant you give me some idea?, she asks.

Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…

Like this?

A little more…

Like this?

No. A little more…

Like this?

Yes. Does that hurt?

A little bit.

Now stretch it over your head!

When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

A Christmas tree doesnt get jealous around other Christmas trees.

A Christmas tree doesnt care if you watch football all day.

A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and state the conditions.

Mary gasped and said in a huff, Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home! She sat down, red-faced.

Susan, can you tell me the answer? asked Mr. Baldwin.

The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions, said Susan.

Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you.

First, you have not studied your lesson.

Second, you have a dirty mind.

And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women in the following subjects:

Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.

The undiscovered side of banking: Making deposits.

Parties: Going without new outfits.

Man management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game.

Bathroom etiquette i: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.

Bathroom etiquette ii: His razor is his.

Communication skills i: Tears – the last resort, not the first.

Communication skills ii: Thinking before speaking.

Communication skills iii: Getting what you want without nagging.

Driving a car safely: A skill you can acquire.

Telephone skills: How to hang up.

Advanced parking: Backing into a space.

Water retention: Fact or fat.

Cooking i: Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter.

Cooking ii: Bran and tofu are not for human consumption.

Cooking iii: How not to inflict your diets on other people.

Compliments: Accepting them gracefully.

PMS: Your problem… not his.

Dancing: Why men dont like to.

Classic clothing: Wearing outfits you already have.

Household dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice.

Integrating your laundry: Washing it all together.

Oil and gas: Your car needs both.

TV remotes: For men only.

A man is sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man:
What was that for?

Wife:
What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?

Man:
Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.

The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man:
What the hell was that for this time?

Wife:
Your horse called.

10. Cats facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts arent just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your curls to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND,
The No. 1 thing only women understand:
other women.

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, Whats the problem? Wouldnt your cat eat them?

The womans eyes got very large, and she whispered, Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for cats?