A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

Care to go upstairs and have a shag? the husband asks.

Sshhh said the bride. All the neighbors will know what were about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, well have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, Have you left the washing machine door open instead?

So the following night, the husband asks, I dont suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?

No, I definitely shut it, replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said,
I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?

No thanks, said the husband, it was only a small load and Ive done it by hand.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.

Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.

The second cant stand to be bested. Why thats nothing.

I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me.

I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And Im still here today.

The third cowboy, silent for a moment, then slowly rises, whips out his pecker and stirs the coals.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

40-ish means: 48

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate means: Possessive

A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite.

Youre getting hair on your twinkie, the barber playfully warns.

Yes, I know, replies the girl. And Im getting boobs, too.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, Is my time up?

God said, No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didnt you pull me out of the path of that car?

God Replied, Sorry, I didnt recognize you!

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if its up put it down.

3 . Dont cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.

6. Sometimes, hes not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Dont ask him what hes thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, its not different, its just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but dont expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.

18. No, he doesnt know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. Were bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think wed be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesnt have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Dont give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you dont dress like the Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

33. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didnt need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the mens magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and its certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…

But how did you burn the other ear? The doctor asked.

How do you think I called you people?

Two men are walking along the beach on day when they find a bottle buried in the sand. As they are brushing the sand off, a genie pops out and tells them he will give each of them one wish.

After thinking a moment the first man says, I wish I were the worlds smartest man.

Done, says the genie, and the man suddenly starts explaining Einstein’s Theory of Relativity to his friend.

The second man thinks for a moment, then says, I want to be smarter than him!

Done, says the genie, and turns him into a woman!

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. Hes not my husband, she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. Hes not my husband either.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

Wait a minute, she says. Hes not even a member of this club.