MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Wind up window

7. Drive off.



FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

3. Re-start stalled engine

4. Wind down the window

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card

6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7. Attempt to insert card into machine

8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

12. Enter PIN

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN

14. Enter amount of cash required

15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror

16. Retrieve cash and receipt

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book

19. Re-check make-up again

20. Drive forward two metres

21. Reverse back to cash machine

22. Retrieve card

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided

24. Re-check make-up

25. Re-start stalled engine and move off

26. Drive for 3 – 4 miles

27. Release hand brake

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: What are you doing here today?

Woman: Oh, Im here to donate some blood. Theyre going to give me $5 for it.

Man: Hmm, thats interesting. Im here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

One night when a boy prayed to god, the boy asked god:

How Long is 1 million years to you?

God replies 1 second.

The Boy asked God:

How much is 1 million dallors to you?

God replies 1 penny.

Then the boy asked god if he could have a penny.

God replies…sure, gimme 1 second.

(pronounced C more or less)

Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance
known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or
undeclared preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well
as public members known as boasts or claims. The following C operators are
overridden as shown:

> better than
> much better than

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinbergs physician comes into his room and says,

Sol, Im happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. Were going to send you home tomorrow. You dont have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:

Doris, youll never believe it: Im completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like youve never had before, wild, passionate sex… youll love it!

Doris thinks for a minute and says,

I dont know, Sol. Ive heard about active sex and heart conditions. I dont want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK…maybe I would have such sex with you…

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctors office; his doctor tells him: Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, Ill write the note. Lets see, heres my prescription pad:

Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz… Now, Ill just address this… By the way, Sol, whats your wifes first name?

Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, To Whom It May Concern?

ACCOUNTANTS – Lose their balance.

ACTORS – Drop a part.

ACTUARIES – Get broken down by age and sex.

ARCHERS – Bow and quiver.

BANKERS – Lose interest.

BASEBALL PLAYERS – Get pitched.

BASKETBALL players – Go on dribbling.

BEEKEEPERS – Buzz off.

BLONDES – Dye away.

BOOKKEEPERS – Lose their figures.

BOTANISTS – Wither away.

BOWLERS – End up in the gutter.

CARDIAC SURGEONS – Get bypassed.

CHAUFFEURS – Lose their drive.

CHICKENS – Get fried.

CLEANING PEOPLE – Kick the bucket.

CLOTHIERS – Lose their shirts.

COMPUTER USERS – Lose their memory.

COOKS – Get deranged.

COWS – Kick the bucket.

DAIRYMEN – Get butter and butter.

DAREDEVILS – Get discouraged.

DEANS – Lose their faculties.

DOCTORS – Lose their patients.

EGYPTIAN TOURISTS – Go senile.

ELECTRICIANS – Lose contact.

ENGINEERS – Lose their bearings.

EXTERMINATORS – Bug out.

FARMERS – Go to seed.

The science section of Tuesdays The New York Times (Jan 6, 1998) includes a profile of Biologist Dr. Anne Simon (U Mass, Amherst). The piece (by Carey Goldberg) is entitled The Science Adviser to Whaaat?

It seems that Dr. Simon has, for some time, been a friend of one Chris Carter. Carter is the creator of the X-FILES TV show on the Fox network (U.S.). For the uninitiated, Goldberg describes X-FILES as a dark confection of conspiracy, fantasy and paranormalcy. On the show two FBI agents come across aliens (from outer space), witches, vampires and high government conspiracies. But the crazy thing is often well written and filled with dry humor (EG. in one episode about a southern town whose economy was based upon a chicken processing plant and whose culture was steeped in cannibalism, the local companys motto was: GOOD PEOPLE MAKE GOOD FOOD).

When Carter started to write scripts for the show he called on Dr. Simon for scientific expertise. Simon says (?!?), What Chris says is that the science looking real and being real is what makes the show scary.

In the show Special Agent Fox Mulder has a big sign in his office. The sign reads: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Dr. Simon has a sign on HER office door. Her sign reads: THE TRUTH IS IN HERE

Simon doesnt get paid much for her consulting on the show, but she does get bragging rights and access to clips from the show that she uses in her class lectures. Simon also wears an X-FILES t-shirt when she teaches.

Kinda makes ya wanna go back and take bio again, no?

Knock, Knock. Whos there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? DWAYNE THE TUB! IM DWOWNING!

WARNING! POOR FRED IS DEAD. DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE COME TO

MOURN HIS PASSING.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. Is Fred home? he asked the woman who answered the door. Sorry, the woman replied. Freds gone for cotton.

The next day the collector tried again. Is Fred here today?

No, sir, she said, Im afraid Fred has gone for cotton.

When he returned the third day he humphed, I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?

No, the woman answered solemnly, Fred died yesterday.

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Freds tombstone, with this inscription: Gone, But Not for Cotton. RIP, Fred.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner

and a loser at the same time.