Halfway thru bootcamp the hairlip calls home to his buddy. Man this is tough, the drill seargent took three of us way up in a plane.He opened the door and told the first guy JUMP!! and the guy did. He grabbed the next guy and said JUMP!! and he did.He looked at me and said JUMP!! I told him no i just cant. He pulled out his big thang and said, you jump or im gonna screw you with this. My goodness said his buddy, did you jump? Well yeah said the hairlip, a little bit right at first.

There were three kids that needed a place to stay for the night. They saw a house and knocked….. A farmer ansered the door and the kids asked if they could stay the night. The farmer said yes and told them to sleep in the barn but no matter what DONT eat his wifes fresh baked pie. So the kids went to sleep. It was 5:00am when they woke up and they were so hungry that they ate the pie. On the next day the farmer was going to punish them and he told them to go pick one fruit each. So thy did. The first kid came back with an orange and the farmer out it up his nose! The second kid came back with a cherry and the farmer put it up his nose! Both kids started laughing and laughung. The farmer said why are you laughing this was supposed to hurt. They said we saw the third kid picking a watermelon.

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The womans face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldnt graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin…



However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!



After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!



She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!



He replied, Oh dont worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big Diskettes may be folded and used in Little drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading…..

TOP TEN things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if its truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes…BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina…

Finally find that damned G-spot.

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked, I dont mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?

The guys with no arms replied, Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?

The other guys reluctantly says, sure.

The guy with no arms says, I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.

Would you mind?

The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said, Sure, I guess.

When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it. The man preceded to help the man out.

When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him,

I dont mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?

The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt, –

I dont know but I sure as hell aint touching it!

What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates the finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)

1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant

4. Listens more than he talks

5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times

6. Can carry in all groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)

1. Not too ugly – bald head okay

2. Doesnt drive off until Im in the car

3. Works steady – splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion

4. Nods head at appropriate times when Im talking

5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture

7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down

10. Shaves on most weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length

2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public

3. Doesnt borrow money too often

4. Doesnt nod off to sleep while Im talking

5. Doesnt re-tell same jokes too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves on some weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)

1. Doesnt scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesnt require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)

5. Forgets why hes laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10.Remembers when…

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)

1. Breathing–

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, Do you have a condom?

Donald says No.

Minnie tells Donald that if he doesnt get a condom that they cant have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says yes we do and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.

The clerk asks Would you like me to put that on your bill?

Donald says NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

A husband apple and a wife apple were having a discussion.

Honey, you seem upset… said the husband apple to his wife apple.



Yes dear, I am. she replied.



What is the matter? he asked.



The wife apple would not say what the matter was and she kept hesitating.



Finally, the husband apple got very upset, and demanded to his wife apple, You better tell me what is wrong! I want to get to the CORE of things!

You know uncle Rons cure for AIDS: Sit down and keep your mouth shut!