Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class, Who can tell me which
organ of the human body expands to ten times its usual size when stimulated?

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. Mary,
can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to ten times its usual
size when stimulated?

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. Sir, how dare you ask such a question? she
says. Im going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal,
who will have you fired!

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Marys reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the
question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. Yes, Sam? says Mr. Sampson.

Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.

Very good, Sam. Thank you.

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, Mary, I have three things to tell you:
First, its clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have
a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly
disappointed.

These arent Murphys Laws but some of them should be:

The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boobs Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

Weilers Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesnt have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conways Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkedness
You cant fall off the floor.

Hellers Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osbornes Law
Variables wont; constants arent.

Mains Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinbergs Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Picked this one up from a friend at school:

137 lemmings walk into a bar.
Ouch.
Ouch.
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Ouch.

Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Stan

Stan who?

Stan back or Ill be sick on your shoe!!!!

A mosquito cried out in pain:
A chemist has poisoned my brain!
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane

[paraDichloroDiphenylTrichloroethane is the the full name for DDT]

there were these 3 nunes they got the weekend off.

Well they came back to the nune house and had to confess there sins.

The first nune said mother i need to confess my sins that i did this weeked and she said what was it- i kissed a guy your sin has been forgotten you may drink the holy water the 3rd one chucled a littel bit.

The 2nd nune came up and said mother I need to confess my sins and the mother nune said what did you do this weekend she said i wacthed a rated r movie. THe mother nune said your sin has been for gotten you may drink the holy water. THe 3rd one chuclked a liteel bit.

THEN IT WAS THE 3rd on to confess her sins and the mother nune said what kind of sin do you need to be forgotten about and the 3rd one said I PISSED IN THE HOLY WATER.

Q: What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit??

A: Are you gonna eat that??

A family from Maine was visiting relatives in Georgia one summer. The little
boy from Maine was playing with his little girl cousin. Since it was so hot,
they stripped and waded in the creek for a while. As they were sunning
themselves afterward, the little girl drawled, Ya know, ah never knew there
was so much difference between a Yankee and a Southerner.

A city councillor tries to argue against increased funding for womens shelters states:Im not against abused women. Im in favor of them 100 percent.

The following are answers given by students to exam questions on the Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noahs wife was called Joan Of Ark.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.

The seventh commandment is Thou shalt not admit adultery.

David fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.