It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants goal when the Elephants left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.

What the hell do you think youre doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?

The elephant replied, Well, I didnt mean to kill him — I was just trying to trip him up.

A womans three biggest lies…

1-Youre the Biggest. 2-Youre the Best. 3-It doesnt always taste like that.

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how hes feeling. Ive never been better! he replies. Ive got an 18-year-old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy whos an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day hes in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So hes in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest.

Thats impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear, the man said.

Exactly, replies the Doc.

A man was complaining to a friend:

I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!

What happened? asked the friend.

My wife found out…

They are: Her Doctor; he says, Take your clothes off.

Her Dentist; he says, Open wide.

Her Veterinarian; he says, And how is your little pussy doing today?

Her Gardener; he says, Do you want me to mulch your bush?

Her Hairdresser; he says, Do you want it teased or blown?

Her Interior Decorator; he says, Youll like it once its in.

Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.

Her Remodeler; he says, It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.

Her Milkman; he says, Do you want it in front or in back?

Her Banker; he says, If you take it out too soon, youll lose interest.

Sean Connery has been quiet of late, having done no work in quite a while. So he decides to phone his agent and find out what sort of jobs are going. The agent says that hell make a few enquiries, but he isnt sure that there is much call for aging Scots actors, even of Seans stature.The next day, the agent calls back and says Sean, I have great news. I have found you a job. Its not great, but its a startWhat ish it? asks SeanIts an advertisement for television. The producer is keen to meet you. You have to be there for ten-ishTennish? says Sean But I dont have a racquet

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, Pastor, I will double my last pledge.

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, Pastor, I will give $20,000!

This prompted a deacon to shout, Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!

James and his wife, Martha, are getting ready to leave home for a vacation.

Martha started out the door, then stopped, turned around, and said, James, this time you should go check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, lamp timers are set, thermostat is adjusted, windows are closed and locked, burglar alarm is on, doors are locked, and Ill go wait in the car and keep blowing the horn.

Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called Gilligans Island. There is, however, a dark secret about this comedy you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of Hell.

Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

Ginger represents LUST – she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

Mary Ann represents ENVY – she is jealous of Gingers beauty.

The Professor represents PRIDE – he is an annoying know-it-all.

Mr. Howell represents GREED – no explanation needed.

Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH – she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.

The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY – again, no explanation needed and ANGER – he violently hits Gilligan on each show.

This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.

Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets? So they can run

their fingers through their hair!