There was a university in New England where the students operated a bank of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.

A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the bank and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicious C, retyped it and handed the work in.

In due course he received it back with the professors comments I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!

Why did God give deers eyes? I have no eye-deer!

(I hope youve all been following the latest European agricultural problems.)

So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on
the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies, Hell, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks.

[The following, possibly apocryphal story appeared in this mornings
(28/03/91) Glasgow Herald.]

Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function,
asked: Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?

Certainly not, was the reply. First, you are drunk. Second, it
is not a waltz, but the Venezualan national anthem; and third, I am
not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio.

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasnt.

He said God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female.

After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked -Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincolns secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedys secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

And heres the kicker,

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: How many times have you cheated on your wife?

The first one answers Never! St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

The second man answers Oh, about 25-30 times. He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.

The third man answers Maybe 400-500 times and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to why the sad face?.

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!

Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Boss, to four of his employees: Im really sorry, but Im going to have to let one of you go.Black Employee: Im a protected minority.Female Employee: And Im a woman.Oldest Employee: Fire me, buster, and Ill hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast itll make your head spin….To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:I think I might be gay…

Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheens character on The West Wing.His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is That Bob Vila guy.Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, The state or the DC thingie?At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, You wanna wrestle?!?Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, I win!On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a Lifeline.