Q: How can you tell if the drummers platform is level? A: Drool is coming out of both sides of his mouth.

(On Late Night on 6/6/89.)

Dave has one of his more respectable guests on the show, a Connecticut
lady (didnt catch the name) who caters weddings and other social
events, and has written books on the subject.

She poses a question for Dave, that apparently someone has written her:

Suppose have have set up a huge party in honor of someone. You
have set up a band, a large outdoor tent, and a complete spread of
hors doeuvres, etc. Hundreds of invitations have been sent out.

Then, the night before the event, the guest of honor dies. What would
you do?

Dave replied, Make sure he had adequate ventilation.

Happily Addicted to the Web

(Sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland)



Doorbell rings, Im not listnin,

From my mouth, drool is glistnin,

Im happy–although

My boss let me go–

Happily addicted to the Web.



All night long, I sit clicking,

Unaware time is ticking,

Theres beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web.



Friends come by; they shake me,Saying, Yo, man!

Dont you know tonights the senior prom?

With a listless shrug, I mutter, No, man;

I just discovered letterman-dot-com!



I dont phone, dont send faxes,

Dont go out, dont pay taxes,

Who cares if someday

They drag me away?

Im happily addicted to the Web!

1. You get this one, next round is on me.

(We wont be here long enough to get another round.)

2. Ill get this one, next one is on you.

(Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round theyll be $4.50 a pop.)



3. Hey, where is that friend of yours?

(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)



4. Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (female)

(Im easy.)



5. Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (male)

(Im gay.)



6. Ever try a body shot? (male to female)

(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)



7. Ever try a body shot? (female to male)

(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what Ill do to you on the ride home?)



8. I dont feel well, lets go home. (female)

(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)



9. I dont feel well, lets go home. (male)

(Im horny.)



10. Whos got the next round?

(I havent bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)



11. Excuse Me. (male to male)

(Get the hell out of the way.)



12. Excuse Me. (male to female)

(I am going to grope you now.) (Editors Note – one of my personal favorites)



13. Excuse Me. (female to male)

(Dont even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)



14. Excuse Me. (female to female)

(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and dont think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or Ill slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)



15. What do you have on tap?

(Whats cheap?)



16. Can I have a white Russian? (male)

(Im *really* gay.)



17. Can I have a white Russian? (female)

(Im *really* easy.)



18. That person looks really familiar.

(Did I sleep with him/her?)



19. Can I just get a glass of water? (female)

(Im annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)



20. I dont have my ID on me. (female)

(Im 19.)



21. I dont have my ID on me. (male)

(I dont have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

One day these 3 guys were walking & found a demand.The demand said go in the fores get 3 ot a kind of fruit,so they did. The 1st gut got apples and the demander said stick it up your butt, so he did but the demander got bored and sent him up in heaven.The second guy was smart and got 3 grapesbut he was laughing too much so the demander sent him to heaven.The first guy said why did you laugh you could have lived, and the second guy said, because the tird guy had pinaples.

10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9. Hes won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, Oh, puh-leeeez! 295 times during the movie The Net.
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists public-key encryption among turn-ons.
2. Instead of the Welcome voice on AOL, you overhear, Good Morning, Mr. President.

And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker…

1. You hear her murmur, Lets see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Dont-Give-As-In-Computer-Science!

Thanx to William.Conway@gdc.com

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

Well, sir, were from Texas, and were used to the heat, says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. Ill check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS. He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. Well, sir, explains a Texan, when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this aint hardly nothing. The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let s see what happens when I turn OFF the heat, he says as he heads to the thermostat. Ill check on them tomorrow.

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans campsite, and they are all whoopin and hollerin and drinkin the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin like there is no tomorrow.

I dont get it, the Devil says, completely defeated. I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, Look around! Hell is frozen over. Thats just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House.

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one
week, and found the boss waiting for him.

Whats the story this time, Jones? the boss asked sarcastically.
Let me hear a good excuse for a change.

Jones sighed, Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife
decided to drive me to the station. I told her I was in a hurry, but
she got ready in ten minutes just to take me. When we were on our way,
the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the
river – look, my suits still damp – ran out to the airport, got a
ride on Mr. Thompsons helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music
Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.

Youll have to do better than that, Jones, said the boss, obviously
disappointed. No woman can get ready in ten minutes.

I have a bad headache. Ill visit the doctor.

Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why dont you try it?

Good idea, call up your wife and tell her Ill be right over.

A man comes home after a heavy nights drinking. His wife wont open
the door for him, so he starts hammering on it. She still wont let
him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbours are starting to notice,
so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his
voice:

I had her before she was married, I had her before she was married!

The top window immediately flies open, and his wife responds with equal
gusto:

And so did all of your mates!

Dave Horsfall (VK2KFU)
North Sydney AUSTRALIA