Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven? I was a nurse at an inner city hospital, she replied. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children. Very noble, said St. Peter. You may enter. And in through the Gates she went. To the next, he asked the same question, So, what did you used to do? I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin, she replied. For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about Gods love. How touching, said St. Peter. You, too, may enter. And in she went. He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, So, what did you used to do back on Earth? After some hesitation, she explained, I was just a nurse at an HMO. St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, Ok, you may enter, too. Whew! said the nurse. For a moment there, I thought you werent going to let me in. Oh, you can come in, said St. Peter, but you can only stay for three days.

The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: Disregard previous email). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons (Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg. –Dave Barry

Technically, Windows is an operating system, which means
that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that
it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop
operating. –Dave Barry

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree,
is by accident. Thats where we come in; were computer professionals.
We cause accidents. –Nathaniel Borenstein

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. –Rich Cook

An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot.
–Rich Julius

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. –D. E. Knuth, 1967

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. –Kulawiec

A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didnt even know existed can render your own computer unusable. –Leslie Lamport, DEC Systems Research Center, 1987

A computer lets you make mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila. –D.W. McArthur

The Internet is an amazing communications tool thats
bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to
sign on to America Online in your hometown, and its just
staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around
the world, in China, someone youve never met is sitting at
their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that
youre hearing. –Dennis Miller

Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. –Ted Nelson

I keep praying for answers on how to do routing and He keeps saying you got yourself into this mess, you figure it out. –David Payer

You can measure a programmers perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. –Alan Perlis

Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1-1/2 tons. –Popular Mechanics, March 1949

Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.
–Ray Simard

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. –Andrew Tannenbaum

Home computers are the perfect thing for women who dont feel that men
provide them with enough frustration. –J. Wagner

The social dynamics of the net are a direct consequence of the fact that nobody has yet developed a Remote Strangulation Protocol. –Larry Wall

One computer is a problem. A computer network is a large problem. The internet is the worlds largest problem. –Douglas Warren

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasnt as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. –Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

–Unknown

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. –Unknown

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

–Unknown

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until weve finished building it. –Unknown

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. –Unknown

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We dont believe this to be a coincidence. –Unknown

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

$665.95 – Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 – Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 – Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 – Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh… what
was that number
again? – Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 – Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 – Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
Route 666 – Highway of the Beast
666 F – Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k – Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % – 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National
Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686 – CPU of the Beast
666i – BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 – Next-door neighbor of the Beast

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?

Land mines, replied the Kuwaiti woman.

Here are some actual bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you…Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery IS NOT a family value

Does character matter YET?

One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesnt matter, let him date your daughter.

Save the President: Legalize Perjury

Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail

Clinton: Our Nations Fondling Father

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with
slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties

Surface usually covered with painted film.
Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties

Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses

Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when its too hot.

Tests

Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution

Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when
handling.
Illegal to possess more than one.

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her

on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While hes in there, the husband tells his wife, Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasnt seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, hell kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you.

To which the wife responds, He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too.

You might be a redneck if. . .

You think harass is two words. You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH. Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have more dogs than the local shelter. You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $

1.

25. Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, Ive gotta leak in my sink, and the person at the front desk says, Go ahead!

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Hickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being repaired.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesnt look like an elephant.

Dont call an elephant, he may come!

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. Damn, says the ant, one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!

Tourist guide at zoo: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please dont stand near the elephants backside…. Madam, PLEASE dont stand near the elephants backside … MADAM … MADAM …, too late; George, dig her out.

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. Its done on a very high level. Theres a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.

It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isnt it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I dont know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I dont know."