Did you hear about the new Jim & Tammy Bakker slogan?

Theres a sucker born again every minute.

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, Think we oughtta help?

Yep, reckon so, says the second.

The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks, Can you breathe?

She shakes her head, no.

Can you speak? he then asks.

She shakes her head, no, again.

With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt.

She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief.

The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile, Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!

On an airplane trip, I sat next to a woman and her five-year-old grandson. When I mentioned that I was a teacher, she proceeded to ask him to count backward. He rattled off 20, 19, 18, 17…

That was wonderful, I said. Did you learn that in school?

No, he answered. From the microwave.

One beautiful morning an atheist was walking through the forest,
admiring natures beauties. He looked up and saw the trees swaying in
the wind high above him, and he smiled. He saw the river glittering in
the sun, and it made him warm inside. He thought to himself that
mother nature had made a truly wonderful world.

The atheist walked a little farther down the path he had taken when
suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of
him. The bear looked hungry, it started growling and running towards
him.

Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and
started running as fast as he could away from the bear. Knowing that
the bear would catch him and he had no chance, the atheist soon ran
out of breath and finally fell to the ground.

As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws came down upon
his chest, the atheist screamed, Oh help me god!

Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying. The river
he loved suddenly stopped flowing. And the sky opened up and a voice
begun to speak, I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, I
am here for every being on this Earth.

The atheist felt relieved a little bit and asked God, Im sort of in
this situation, Im only asking if you could help me get out of it.

God thought for a moment and said, I will give you one wish to help
you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish.

The atheist thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to
God, Well, I dont really want to become a christian, so I wish the
bear to become a christian.

God spoke, So be it done.

Suddenly the sky closed up. The river turned back into its flowing
glory. The trees began to sway again.

And the bear clapped his paws together and said, Thank you, God, for
this meal Im about to receive.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted.

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same : You can have mine.

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasnt normal.

9. There was no standard weight and height tables – and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked Adam, where are you? He replied, The woman you gave me was reading the map.

Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.



Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the ministers room and yelled, father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me … and he took a step forward!



The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Wheres this man now?



The Choirboy replies…

flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow.

Who is this incredibly fine archer? cries the duke. I must find him.

After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the centre of all the targets.

You didnt just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you? asks the duke worriedly.

No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.

That is truly astonishing, says the duke. I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favour in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.

Well, said the boy, first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The man says, Who is this?

This is the maid, answers the woman.

We dont have a maid, says the man.

The woman says, I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.

The man says, Well, this is her husband. Is she there?

The woman replies, She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband.

The man is fuming and says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make $50,000?

The maid says, What will I have to do?

The man tells her, I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk shes with.

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone

What do I do with the bodies?

The man says, Throw them in the swimming pool.

Puzzled, the maid answers, But you dont have a pool.

A long pause and the man says, Is this 567-5309?