A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-laws death.

It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.

He replies, Dont take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!

A
man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving
him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening
drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
what was left of his hair and he decided to open her
up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly
saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The
needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation
hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and
pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without
a word and examined it and the car.
"Its been a long hard day, this is the end
of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel
like more paperwork, I dont need the frustration
or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good
excuse for your driving that I havent heard before,
you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last
week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid
you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

John
Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her,
"Your Majesty,

how do you run such an efficient government? Are there
any tips you can give

to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important
thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around
me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, thats easy.
You just ask them to

answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes
a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair
in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles, "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your mother and father have a child. It is not your

brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That
would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential
choice

the same question. "John. Answer this for me. Your
mother and your father have a child.

Its not your brother and its not your sister. Who
is it?"

"Im not sure," says John Edwards. "Let
me get back to you on that one." Edwards goes to
his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer. Finally, he ends up in the mens room and
recognizes Colin Powells shoes in the next stall. Edwards
shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your
mother and father have a child and its not your brother
or your sister.

Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "Thats
easy. Its me!" Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say,
I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
Its Colin Powell."

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily
yells into his face, "No, you idiot! Its Tony
Blair!"

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, Im sending him over.

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

A female horth, the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. OK, what about the earsth?

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

OK, finally, Id like to see her twat. With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, Perhapth I should rephrase. Id like to see her run!

Two gang members were hired to rub out an uncooperative union official. The pair checked his habits and learned that every evening before he dressed for the evening, he went to the neighborhood barber shop and took a shave. This occurred at exactly 6 Oclock every evening. Accordingly, the hoods decided to knock him off just before he took his shave.

The fateful night came. The pair strategically seated themselves in front of the barber shop at five-thirty and took up their vigil. At six, they put their hands on their pistols and watched the door watched the door anxiously. But the union boss didnt come.

Hell be here any minute. Be ready, said the experienced killer.

The thugs were beginning to worry, Do you think hell show? whispered the now nervous killer.

To which his anxious youthful associate answered, Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.

Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week.

Bill: There are a few issues we need to discuss.

Contractor: Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?

Bill: Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated.

Contractor: Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.

Bill: We wont be able to fit all our furniture in there.

Contractor: Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.

Bill: Stacker?

Contractor: Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the chairs on the table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when youre done.

Bill: Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home wont fit. The threads run the wrong way.

Contractor: Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs arent plug and play. Youll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.

Bill: And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?

Contractor: Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.

Bill: Youre kidding!?

Contractor: Nope. Its the only way.

Bill: <sigh> Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it wont stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers dont work.

Contractor: Thats a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.

Bill: And how do I fix that?

Contractor: Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.

Bill: Thats the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?

Contractor: Hey, if you dont like it nobody made you buy it.

Bill: And when will this be fixed?

Contractor: Oh, in your next house — which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but weve had some delays…

One night right before exams two men decide to drive to the next state over to party with on of the mens cousins.
So they go, have a great time, and get horribly drunk. Unfortanutely they get so drunk they dont wake up the next day.
They immediately got on the road and were only three hours late. They go into their classroom and tell the teacher that they had gone to the next state over to study and had started home immediately. They told her that one of their tires had gone flat and that was why they were late.
The teacher smiled, said that was okay and put them in seperate rooms for the test.
The test had only two questions.
1.(25%)What is the latitude and longitude of Peru?
2.(75%)Which tire?

Cats have never forgotten this.

Two men, Robert and James, applied for an engineering position. Both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the exam both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Robert and said, Thank you for your interest, but weve decided to give James the job. Robert replied, Why? We both correctly answered nine questions. I believe I should get this job, especially since Ive grown up in this town and James just moved here. The manager said, We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed. How could one incorrect answer be better than the other?, asked Robert. Simple, said the manager. James put down on question #5, I dont know, and you put down, Neither do I.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. Yes. Yes he did.

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, Who? Who was he? Who was the father?

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, You.