Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?



A: Booger King!!!

There was a women with blond hair, and she was driving her husbands truck.A while after she got on the road she heard police sirens so she pulled over.She said,whats the problem officer?


Maam do you know that youre swirving all over the road?


ya i know there is this little tre in front of me and i cant go around it


the officer saidthats an air freshener.

Three ducks were in court. The first duck was called up for questioning. The judge said NAME and the duck replyed Quack. Then the judge said What were you doing? and the duck replyed I was blowing bubbles. The judge then said I cant see any problem with that. OK NEXT. So the next duck came to the stand NAME and the duck agen replyed Quack. The judge again said What were you doing? and the duck replyed I was blowing bubbles. The judge then agreed that there wasnt a problem and shouted next. The duck climbed to the stand. The judge said name and the duck said Bubbles!

A little girl is about to go to sleep, and she says her prayers:
God bless mummy, and daddy, and my brother, and may my dog rest in peace.
The next day, her dog falls down, stone dead.

About a week later, she is again about to go to bed, and she prays:
God bless mummy, and daddy, and may my big brother rest in peace.
During school the following day, her brother drops dead.

A while after that, she is about to go to bed, when she prays:
God bless mummy, and may daddy rest in peace.
The next morning, her mother opens the door, and finds the milkman dead on the doorstep.

Not far from Rank Xeroxs office in Welwyn, England, there is a town called Hitchin. On one of the commonly used routes into Hitchin, there was a junction which often confused travellers, causing them to make a wrong turn. The resulting route was nine miles longer than the correct route into Hitchin.

This common mistake was sufficiently irritating that the local people wageda campaign to have a new signpost erected at the junction. After due process, the signpost was installed, and the local people showed up for the installation, holding a sort of mini-festival of celebration.

The local newspaper reported the event with the following headline: A Hitchin Sign Saves Nine

You know youre Castle Trash if……

Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet

Your daughters chastity belt has rusted

You cant afford a cod piece…………….nobody notices

You have more sheep dogs than sheep

You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have…

The plague improved your complexion………..but only for a little while

The Pope sends you to the Crusades………..in Norway

Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum

Your wife is stronger than your plow horse…but the horse is prettier

The grail you brought home has made in China printed on the bottom

Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom

You won most improved at the tournament

They call your daughter made Marian

Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says peace before discomfort

Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom northside condo. $800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-Im-4you.

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Dont bother to write, I already know where you live.

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music, communing with Galian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. ISO compatible F.

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF interested in underwater bondage with or w/o scuba gear and albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler wishes to meet woman of similar interests; must be ambidextrous.

DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, police lineups and locking your friends in closets, we already have three things in common! Lets get together.

DM: Physician, 35 – Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X-rays.

DWM: Compulsive Liar – Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar chateau on the French Riviera. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.

SWM: 32, my lifes work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown on The X-Files. ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot.

…probably one of the best….

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull. We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the Malibu Barbie. It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
its modern origin:

The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.
The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams dont have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundations
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didnt really sound
like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nations capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked THE BOOK and didnt find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.



Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldnt find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.



Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.



About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.



Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago? God queried.



Hell yes, I remember! Said the devil.



Well, Saint Peter missed that mans name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If theyre on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS. God exclaimed!



Ill be damned if your going to get that engineer back. Hes put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS! said the devil.



Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book—UPSTAIRS and not in the book—DOWNSTAIRS!! If you dont send that engineer back right away I believe Ill have to sue you!!! shouted God!!



And just where do you think youll get an attorney? replied the devil!!!!!

The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, Ive sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.

The professor said Ill bet you cant. Just to prove it, well trade clothes in the hotel, and Ill sit in the back.



The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the drivers presentation.



The driver said, I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.