Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring… it was so wonderful.

James said Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day.

Ron was so jealous Your day was so much better than mine… did you get a blow job?

Nope James replied, I couldnt find her head!

This is a joke from my pastor about the using the Scriptures out of context…

A man was looking into the Bible for some guidance. Not knowing where to look, he simply opened the Bible randomly and point his finger at a passage. Wherever his finger lands, he will take as advice.

Heres the first: Judas went out and hanged himself. Not knowing what to make out of that, he tried again.

This time it is: Go and do likewise. Completely baffled, he tried a third time.

Whatever you are to do, do so quickly.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right? they ask.
Its pretty nice, she replies. Except they wont let me fart.

How Does a dummy kill a mole? He buries it.

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

(This story is old and is from a time when even in France certain rubber and
leather goods were not openly sold.)

An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesnt have a black
hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
chapeau noir. So off he goes to find a store open late.

First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, Msieur, ou
pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir? (1)

The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our friend
directions. The store–if that is what it is–looks a little seedy and run
down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our friend.
He speaks first:

Msieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir.

Mais, monsieur, jai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux
marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin dun capeau
noir?

Ma femme est morte.

O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!

(1) The story hinges on the pun: chapeau(hat)–capeau(slang for condom)

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Alex, the computer guy, to come over. Alex clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.



As he was walking away, I called after him, So, what was wrong?



He replied, It was an ID ten T error.



I didnt want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: An ID ten T error? Whats that … in case I need to fix it again?



Alex grinned…. Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?



No, I replied.



Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out.



So I wrote out ……. I D 1 0 T

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.



When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.



Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: Why are you laughing?



I was thinking about my own funeral the man replied.

Whats so funny about that?



Im a gynecologist.

Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial.

The note said:

Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.

The clerk called 9-1-1. She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way.

The judge made a noise.

I wanted someone from maintenance, she said.

The trouble was the window blinds on the courtrooms right side. The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.

Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, dont signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.

Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule No. 8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.

Rule No. 9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule No. 10: If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule No. 11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like Mr. Good Guy, and park somewhere else.

Rule No. 12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow ENTER ONLY driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule No. 16: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While youre at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendys or McDonalds bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infants diaper in a parkinglot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule No. 21: When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

Rule No. 22: When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your cars alarm makes a sudden loud BLOOP BLEEP that scares the crap out of them.

Rule No. 23: If you dont see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isnt any!

Rule No. 24: If you back into a parked car, and the driver isnt with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think Im writing my name, address, and phone number.