October 28, 1958 – Angleo Giuseppe Roncalli was elected Pope. He took the name John XXIII.

TRADITION

Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, theres one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the popes presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.

The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected. John XXIII was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

My brother, the pope whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?

The chief rabbi shrugs and replies, But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history.

The pope said, Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret.

The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.

They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the last supper.

From: Chuckles of Choice Web Site

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache
and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he
took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it
was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did
not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance
floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and a little kiss here, a little
kiss there and sometimes a little bit more. His wife sidled up to him and being
a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted
his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he
wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
went to one of the neighbouring rooms and did something which she would only
allow her husband to do. She was quite upset afterwards because her husband
could not know that she was his wife. She slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make
for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what
kind of a time he had.

He said, Oh, you know I never have a good time when you are not there.

Then she asked, Did you dance much?

He replied, I did not dance at all. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, John and
some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the
chap I lent my costume told me that he had a glorious evening.

A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like? The man says, To me, you look 35. The guy says, Really! Im actually 47! and walks to on.



Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, To me, you look 29. The guy says, Really! Im actually 47! and then leaves.





At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, Im 87, my eye sight isnt that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes. The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her…





…after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, Alright, youre 47. The guy is surprised and says, WOW! How did you know? The old woman says, I was standing behind you at McDonalds.

Why dont women need a watch?

Theres a clock on the stove.

This story is an old one, popular with zoo veterinarians (Im told).

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was
in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike,
a JEDR responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Now Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasnt very
bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was
approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla–
for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but
would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions: First, he said, I dont want to
have to kiss her, and Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring
that may result from this union.

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third? Well, said Mike, Youve gotta give me another
week to come up with the five hundred bucks.

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive.

Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, I got a suggestion thats sure to help.

Tell me, Tell me! said the young dude.

Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg.

Will that make me a better gunfighter?

You damn betcha, said the old man.

The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player. Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?

Yeah – Ifn you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gunll slide out a lot smoother.

Will that make me a better gunfighter?

You damn betcha.

The dude did as he was told, then drew his gun, and lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player. This is really helping me out! Is there anything else you can share with me?

One more thing, said the old timer. Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.

The fellow didnt hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease on the gun barrel.

No, no, the whole gun, said the graybeard. Handle and everything.

Will that make me a better gunfighter?

Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that bar piano, hes gonna shove that gun up your ass and this way it wont hurt so much.

Man: Do you serve breakfast here?

Waitress: Sure, whatll it be?

Man: Let me have watery scrambled eggs … some burnt toast … and some weak coffee, lukewarm.

Waitress: Whatever you say, sir.

Man: Now, are you doing anything while that order is going through.

Waitress: Why – no , sir.

Man: Then sit here and nag me awhile … Im feeling homesick.

Theres these three guys and theyre out having a relaxing day fishing.
Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for
granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesnt believe it,
and says:

Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q.
The mermaid says: Done.

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it
with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid:
Triple my I.Q.. The mermaid says: Done.

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that
have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry,
etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to
the mermaid: Quintuple my I.Q. The mermaid looks at him and says: You
know, I normally dont try to change peoples minds when they make a wish,
but I really wish youd reconsider. The guy says: Nope, I want you to
increase my I.Q. times five, and if you dont do it, I wont set you free.
Please, says the mermaid You dont know what youre asking…itll
change your entire view on the universe…wont you ask for something
else…a million dollars, anything? But no matter what the mermaid said, the
guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So
the mermaid sighed and said: Done.

And he became a woman.

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.



The doctor said Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.



The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came.

He said, I havent won any prizes, but Ive started free clinics and helped those in need for free. St. Peter let him in.



The third doctor said, Im responsible for all the HMOs across the United States.



St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, OK…

Ill let you in, but only for three days!

Law of Cat Inertia



A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.



Law of Cat Motion



A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.



Law of Cat Magnetism



All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.



Law of Cat Thermodynamics



Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.



Law of Cat Stretching



A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.



Law of Cat Sleeping



All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.



Law of Cat Elongation



A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.



Law of Cat Obstruction



A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.



Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.



Law of Dinner Table Attendance



Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.



Law of Rug Configuration



No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.



Law of Obedience Resistance



A cats resistance varies in proportion to a humans desire for her to do something.



First Law of Energy Conservation



Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.



Second Law of Energy Conservation



Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.



Law of Refrigerator Observation



If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.



Law of Electric Blanket Attraction



Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.



Law of Random Comfort Seeking



A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.



Law of Bag/Box Occupancy



All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.



Law of Cat Embarrassment



A cats irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.



Law of Milk Consumption



A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.



Law of Furniture Replacement



A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.



Law of Cat Landing



A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.



Law of Fluid Displacement



A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.



Law of Cat Disinterest



A cats interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.



Law of Pill Rejection



Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.



Law of Cat Composition



A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesnt Matter.