Beer Belly – A gas tank for a sex machine.

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is Bubba.

4. Theres a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. Theres a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is…

1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.

Michaelangelo was painting the Sistine Chapel, and rather bored, when an old women came in to pray. As no-one else was around he decided to have a little fun.

Woman, this is Jesus, he said.

No response.

Woman, I am Jesus Christ! he called.

No response.

Hey, Lady…

Shut up you, Ima talka to your mama!

starkle starkle little twink

who the hell you are I think

Im not under what you call

the alcofluence of incohol

Im just a little slort of sheep

Im not drunk like tinkle peep

I dont know who is me yet

but the drunker I stand here

the longer I get

Just give me one more drink

to fill me cup

cuz I got all day sober

to Sunday up

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world, Clinton said. Today, the United States must finally stand up and say Enough. It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour.

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of Es, will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

My God, I do not think we can last another day, Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one E. Please. Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream.

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of Ls, Ss and Ts.

A large billboard at an intersection near me has carried this message for the past week:

Dont make me come down there!

– God

Bubba, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Bubba if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Bubba asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with BettyJo, his wife (and first cousin). In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, Okay, Ill paint ya nekkid, but Ill have ta leave my socks on, sos I can have sumplace to wipe my brushes…

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing?

The little boy answered, Im doing my math homework, Mom.

And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked.

Yes, he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math?

The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition.

The mother asked, And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, Well, you see that 3-pack? Thats for when youre in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asks his father, Whats the 6-pack for?

The father replies, Well, thats for when youre in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, Well, thats for when youre married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for…..

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, I cant believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!



The magistrate looked at him and replied, And you must be whats passing through.