An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. Please DO NOT to try these techniques at home.

Why not? asked somebody from the audience.



I watched my wifes routine at breakfast for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, Honey, why dont you try carrying several things at once?



Did it save time? the person in the audience asked.



Actually, yes, replied the expert. It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.

Q: Do you know what the height of mixed emotions is?

A: Watching your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your brand-new Mercedes.

Did you hear that the Pillsbury dough boy died?

Yup: got a yeast infection.

Dr.McCoy reported to Captain Kirk: Hes bread, Jim. It was a sad thing that but for a little dough some crusty old doctor could have performed a BATTERy of tests and maybe given him much kneaded treatment. If it worked, the poor soul would still be leaven.

Tell the widow that the deceaseds last wish was that she make love with you.
Tell the undertaker that he cant close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow that youre the deceasds gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that youve seen the will and theyre not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widows limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceaseds wooden leg to someone poor who cant afford firewood.
Walk around telling people that the deceased didnt like them.
Use the deceaseds tongue to lick a stamp.
Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
Take up a collection to pay off the deceased gambling debts.
Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
Put crazy Glue on the deceaseds lips just before the widows last kiss.
Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
When no-ones looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceaseds mouth.
Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS! and pretend to faint.
At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
Tell everyone youre from the IRS and youre confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesnt keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Jim (yes, I know there are thirty one…)

Man to wife: Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting! Wife: They arent wrinkles, theyre laugh lines! Man: Nothing is that freakin funny!!

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, Pardon me, maam, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, No he didnt. He just walked in the door.

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. Whats the matter? asked his wife. Did I hurt you?



No, replies the man, but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, shes playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! Hes going to be so angry if its not ready on time. And she dashes out of her friends house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!



Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm! And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!



Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.



Youre going to kill him, they say, or Hes just yanking your chain, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.



Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. You killed him!



We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?



The wife stoically replied, Ahh, I didnt kill him. He fell off the mantle when he was licking his ass.

Yup!
Then go and catch it! Har har har!

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susies dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

Where will you live? asked Susies dad, thinking this was cute.

Well, said Little Johnny, I figured I could just move into Susies room. Its plenty big for both of us.

And how will you live?

I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.

That should be enough.

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers,

Susies dad asked, And what if little ones come along?

Well, said Little Johnny, weve been lucky so far!