So theres this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I
mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT! But this just makes the bird mad
and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, OK for you. and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy
finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that
would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be
hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens up
the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the mans out-stretched arm and says, Awfully
sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on.

The man is astounded. He cant understand the transformation that has come
over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the chicken do?

An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineering student rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

Where did you get such a nice bike? asked the first.

The second engineer replied Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said Take what you want!

The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice, the clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and Im not sure about the universe. — Albert Einstein

There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble.

Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.

Officer: Whats your name?

Shut Up: Shut Up.

Officer: Whats your name?

Shut Up: Shut Up.

Officer: For the last time, WHATS YOUR NAME?!

Shut Up: Shut Up!

Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?

Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.

Officer: Wheres your Manners?

Shut Up: Back there pickin up Poop.

How To Shower Like A Woman…
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how youre getting fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed. How To Shower Like A Man…
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the woo, woo sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls.
* Get in shower. Dont bother looking for a washcloth. You dont use one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
* Wash your privates and surronding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout Oh yeah, baby! and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

These two guys up north wanted to go ice fishing, so they went to a bait shop. They got some bait and two boxes of icepicks. They went up to the clerk and payed for them. After that they went to the lake. About two hours later they came back to the bait shop and bought another two boxes of icepicks. When they went to pay for them, the clerk said Man, you must be catching a lot. One of the guys told the clerk, Heck no, we havent even got the boat in the water yet!

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval

Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

#1: This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!

#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call?

A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping.

When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said Are you okay?

The woman answered Ive been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in.

Linda didnt know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked.

When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head.

When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then when she regained consciousness, attempted to hold her brains in!

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I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
I will get dressed before noon.
I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
I will read a book… I think I still remember how.
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.
I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday

My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman in a short black dress walked by.

My eyes couldnt help but follow her as she passed by our table.

The girlfriend glared at me and snapped, So, do you want to date her??

To which I stuttered, Ummmm…1968, perhaps?