A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, Jump! Jump! Its your only chance to survive!

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away…the

Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

Cmon! Jump! You gotta jump! say the firemen to the Redhead.

Oh no! Youre gonna pull the blanket away! says the Redhead.

No! Its Brunettes we cant stand! Were OK with Redheads!

OK says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell Jump! You have to jump!

No way! Youre just gonna pull the blanket away! yelled the Blonde.

No! Really! You have to jump! We wont pull the blanket away!

Look, the Blonde says, nothing you say is gonna convince me that youre not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . .

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits.

All day long she lies in the bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?

Eventually, said the doctor, she will rise and shine!

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital
where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctors every move, he asked, Whats
that?

The doctor explained, This is an anesthetic. After
he gets this he wont know a thing.

Save your time, Doc, exclaimed the man. He dont
know nothing now.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?

A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.

George Carlin Speaks Out…

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, youd better do it in English.

Im not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesnt take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think owning a gun doesnt make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesnt give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you havent begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe its called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I dont think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I dont use the excuse its for the children as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I dont hate the rich. I dont pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I dont waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

Ive never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didnt wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I havent burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if youre running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I dont want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please dont pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

Im neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, Im a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

A modem doesnt ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing AT. When youre done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
A modem wont say a word if you come home late. A modem cant collect alimony if you decide to dump it. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. A modem doesnt gripe if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
A modem doesnt mind if you call another modem. A modem doesnt require any foreplay – just an initialization command. A virus you catch from your modem doesnt require a trip to the doctor.
You dont have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control – you can even turn the sound OFF.

Ralph

Why are there only two paul-bearers at a Mexican funeral?

There are only two handles on a garbage can!

Joke found on http://www.jokesgalore.com

Its the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobbys a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sues father answers and invites him in. Peggy Sues not ready yet, so why dont you have a seat? he says. Thats cool. says Bobby. Peggy Sues father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sues father responds, Why dont you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it. Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, Whaaaat? Yeah, says Peggy Sues father, Peggy Sue really likes to screw; shell screw all night if we let her! Bobbys eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that shes ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, Have a good evening, kids! About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: Dammit, Daddy! The twist! Its called the twist!!

Womens English:

Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No

Im sorry = Youll be sorry We need = I want Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = Youll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure go ahead = I dont want you to. Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron! Youre so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Youre certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper… Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like. Ill be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me Im beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, youre dead.] Was that the baby? = Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep. Im not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important. The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really = Its just that youre such an asshole. ==========================================================

Mens English:

Im hungry = Im hungry. Im sleepy = Im sleepy. Im tired = Im tired. Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you. Whats wrong? = I dont see why your making such a big deal about this. Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. Im bored. = Do you want to have sex? I love you. = Lets have sex now. I love you, too. = Okay, I said it… wed better have sex now! Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before. Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesnt look that much different! Lets talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home! I dont think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.