Your momma so stupid that when she goes on wheel of fortune she buys a seven!

1.When she asks how she looks, shrug and say could be better this will keep her on her toes, and girls love That.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness(or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if shes sleeping. If she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when shes sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewellery is for pussys and Asian ladies.

7. If youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words fcuk you and grab the other girls arse. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her youre taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks its going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now youre really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear …because I can.

9. introduce her to your friends as some chick. Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when shes cold…and not by giving her your jacket…then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say if you dont stop b*tching about the cold right now youre going to be b*tching about a black eye. The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldnt girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When shes fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say No shes not hungry. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts……and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what Im talking about.

22. If youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way shell think youre mysterious.

23. Remember her birthday but dont get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know shes coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually dont like this one that much but I think its funny.

25. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now dont call. Thats also quite funny

10. You cry for your mother. 9. You cross the street without looking for cars. 8. Snack time is a necessity. 7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do6. You stay at home and play games with your friends. 5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders. 4. You wear big mittens. 3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity. 2. You take naps. 1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace, I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found that all of the questions fell into what we considered the wuss category, and generated our own family stress test:

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

____ Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.
____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
____ The cat is on Valium.
____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
____ Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
____ You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30 – a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0-9 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

(Originally from a NutWorks posting by Terry Morris)

The guy with the recipe graduated.

Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesnt seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does…

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, Im toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-

36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: Im 63 and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. Im also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: Were in my bedroom. Theres soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. Im looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: Im gulping, Im beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: Im pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now Im unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: Im moaning softly.

Wellhung: Im taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: Im throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. Im rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. Im sorry. Sweetheart: Thats OK, it wasnt really too expensive.

Wellhung: Ill pay for it. Sweetheart: Dont worry about it. Im wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: Im fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think its stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. Im reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? Im picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: Im arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: Im dropping the bra. Now Im licking your, you know, breasts. Theyre neat! Sweetheart: Im running my fingers through your hair. Now Im nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: Im so sorry; Really. Sweetheart: Im wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: Im taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. Im pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: Im screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: Im pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: Im pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute. Sweetheart: Whats the matter?

Wellhung: Ive got a pubic hair caught in my throat. Im choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: Im having a coughing fit. Im turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: Im running to the kitchen, choking wildly. Im fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: Im drinking a cup of water. There, thats better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: Im washing the cup now. Sweetheart: Im on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: Im drying the cup. Now Im putting it back in the cabinet. And now Im walking back to the bedroom. Wait, its dark, Im lost. Wheres the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: Im tuggin off your pants. Im moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart Why dont you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I cant see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: Im bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. Im fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and its dark. Im feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: Im waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: Im done going. Im feeling around for the flush handle, but I cant find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: Whats the matter now?

Wellhung: Ive realized that Ive peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. Im walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now Im going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…womans thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: Im touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, Im having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: Im moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I cant stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: Im flaccid. Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: Im limp. I cant sustain an erection. Sweetheart: Im standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: Im shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. Im going to get my glasses and see whats wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. Im getting dressed. Im putting on my underwear. Now Im putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now Im squinting, trying to find the night table. Im feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: Im buttoning my blouse. Now Im putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Ive found my glasses. Im putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! Im pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. Im logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart:{logged off}

BLONDE: Excuse me sir, what time is it?

MAN: Its 3:15.



BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) You know, its the weirdest thing, Ive been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.

Updated Version for the 90s woman:

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where youd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and give him an opportunity to change your mood.



2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the Clinique counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Dont forget to use his credit card!)



3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.



4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.



5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.



6. Some DONTS: Dont greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Dont complain if hes late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.



7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if hes cold. This will really show you care.



8. Listen to him: But dont ever let him get the last word.



9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping(use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase Girls Night Out!



10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously hes wrong, it revolves around you.

One day this man named John was in a pet store and as he was looking he saw a parrot sitting on a perch, but the parrot did not have any legs, so John asked the bird how do you hold yourself up on the perch, and the bird said are you sure you want to knpw, and the man shook his head yes. And the bird said I just take my meat and I wrap it around the perch. So they started to talk more and more, and the bird said why dont you buy me? And John looked at the price tag it said $200 the man said that is too much but John went to the salesclerk and asked if he could get him cheaper and the sales clerk said yes. So the man bought the bird and took him home, and everything was going great. THe bird was very intelligent and funny, and everday John and the bird would talk about their days, well one day John came home and aske dthe bird how his day was, and the bird said well this morning when the mailman came him and your wife started to tounge kiss, and then he started grabing your wifes breast and ass, and John said what else happened and the bird said damned if I know I got hard and fell off my perch!

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, Hey DeBakey …. Is dat you ? Come over here a minute.

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris …Try doing your work with the engine running.