Signs of Trouble in Santa Clauss Marriage

As presented on the 12/12/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Hes replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
9. Mrs. Claus calls him that fat freak in the red underwear
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
7. Hes been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
4. He knows when shes been sleeping, he knows when shes awake, because hes bugged the bedroom
3. Lately, she keeps forgetting to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
2. Stockings arent the only things hes been nailing in front of the fireplace
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santas pants

How may men does it take to change a light bulb?

None they sit in the dark and complain.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, Hey! You cant leave that lyin there! The drunk replies, Thats not a lion! Its a giraffe.

…goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that shes pregnant.She is furious. Here shes in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; How could you have let this happen? With all thats going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I cant believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, Did you hear me? Finally she hears Bills very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, Who is this?

This was in the Bob Leveys Washington column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the Best T-shirts of the Summer

(around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
If They Dont Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Aint Going
At My Age, Ive Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All… I Just Cant Remember It All
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
(Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
If Its Called Tourist Season, Why Cant We Hunt Them?
Senior Citizen Give Me My Damn Discount
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
No, It Doesnt Hurt (on a well-tattooed gentleman)
(on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But Were OK Now
(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
Veni, Vedi, Visa – I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What Its All About
I Didnt Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
(on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
Coffee, Chocolate, Men… Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Liberal Arts Major… Will Think For Money
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
IRS – Be Audit You Can Be
Gravity… Its Not Just a Good Idea. Its the Law.
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
Wanted Meaningful Overnight Relationship
The Old Pro… Often Wrong… Never In Doubt
If At First You Dont Succeed, Skydiving Isnt For You
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
In America, Anyone Can Be President. Thats One of the Risks You Take.
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

(Thanks to Mary Campbell)

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer.



The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?



The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your

research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has

medical bills that are several times her annual income?



Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, Um… No.



Or, the lawyer continued, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?



The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, Or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident? the lawyers voice rising in indignation, Leaving her pennyless with three children?



The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said

simply, I had no idea…



On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Dear Employee:



As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.



Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.



This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.



SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.



SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.



This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).



Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.



If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).



As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.



Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:



Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.



Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.



And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, Hey Doc can I ask you a question?

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.



The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fixem, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?



The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic….. Try doing it with the engine running!

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby weighing twenty pounds.

Wow! Twenty pounds! exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, Arent you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered, 10 pounds.

The bartender said, Why, what happened? Didnt he weigh twenty pounds at birth?

The proud Texas father said, Yup …just had him circumcised!

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

Bacon and legs!