Washing The Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

Oh, no laundry, the boy said, Im going to wash my dog!

But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

Oh, he died, the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!

Well, the boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.

Oh? What was it then?

I think it was the spin cycle!

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

Doctor, I cant seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I cant satisfy her. What can I do?

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and youll find that youll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.

Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

Be prepared, my darling. Im going to ravish you, she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctors advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his therapy.

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, Yes?

Sir, Im with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please? said the officer.

Yes, officer, Im inspecting my trucks rear axle, he replied confidently.

Well, why dont you check the brakes while youre down there.

Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.

What did the gynocologist say to his wife when he got home?

Im Bushed!

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A childs eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10.What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."The Texan lady commented, "Well, isnt that nice?"The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isnt that nice?"The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isnt that nice?"The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school.""Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, Who gives a crap, I learned to say, Well, isnt that nice?"

Dear Friend,

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up yur husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 3,325 men … and one of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up!

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN … one woman did, and received her own jerk back!

At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men; they buried her yesterday but it took four undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face.

Were counting on you,

A Satisified Woman

A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

Just give me a chance to show you what I can do, said the skinny man.

Okay, see that giant redwood over there? said the lumberjack.

Take your axe and go cut it down!

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjacks door. I cut the tree down, said the little man.

The lumberjack couldnt believe his eyes and said, Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?

In the Sahara Forest, replied the puny man.

You mean the Sahara Desert, said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back…

Oh sure, thats what they call it now!

Ring Ring…

Hello, who is it?

Is your phone number 13498732?

No.

So, why did you pick up the phone?

The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing the
formers impending wedding.

If you want an unforgettable wedding night, her friend
said, get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony.

A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said
plaintively, Only eight of the oysters worked.

[Contributed by Mike Kane.]

According to a local sports columnist (The Argus Deon Viljoen), Zambiantennis player Lighton Ndefwayl explained his defeat by Musumba Bwayla as follows:

He beat me because my jockstrap was too tight and because, when he serves, he farts, and that made me loose my concentration, for which I am famous throughout Zambia.