No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service ( Bras and Panties optional)

A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea.

He said: Jump, flea! and it jumped 40 centimetres high.

So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record in the experimental log: I said: Jump,flea! and it jumped 40 cm.

Then he tore off one of the fleas legs. He said: Jump, flea! and it jumped 30 centimetres high. He recorded: When I tore off one leg, the flea jumped 30 cm.

Then he continued tearing off other legs and the flea jumped 20, 10, and 2 centimeters high, respectively. Everything was recorded in the log book.

When only 1 leg remained, the poor flea jumped only 1 millimeter and a half high. Again, it was recorded.

Finally he tore off the last leg. He said: Jump, flea!. No response.

He said again (in a high voice): Jump, flea!. Nothing.

He shouted: Jump, flea!!!. The flea did not move.

So Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow took a pencil for the last time and wrote: I tore off all fleas legs and it cannot hear.

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthily examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, Ive some bad news for you. You have cancer and it cant be cured. Id give you two weeks to a month.

Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctors office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things dont go so well. In this case, things arent so well. I have cancer and Ive been given a short time to live. Lets head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphys old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends Ive only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS. The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphys son leaned over and whispered his confusion. Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?

Murphy said, I am dying from cancer son, I just dont want any of them sleeping with your mother after Im gone!

Q: What is the worst possible bridge hand you can have?

A: 4 aces, 4 kings, 4 queens, and 2 jacks.

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, What are you thinking? An older woman doesnt care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because theyre always wearing sensible shoes.

Theres no need to be phobic about committing to and older woman – the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if youre acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women cant help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.

An older woman will never accuse you of using her. Shes using you!

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when shes with you, in case you get any ideas…

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often dont wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonalds with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Fred: So how was your wedding night?
Ted: Very good until the morning after. i forgot where i was and i said to my wife you were wonderful. heres $100
Fred: Thats not bad. She might not guess that you thought she was a hooker.
Ted: but she gave me back $50 and told me to keep the change.