Q: If youve got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

A: Kermit the Frogs undivided attention.

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialization where it monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Poker-night
10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the
system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge
Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work
on this program. Can you help me? Dear Sir,
This is a very common problem men complain about but
is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed
by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to
uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system
once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have
tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up
with more problems than original system. Look in your
manual under Warnings – Alimony / Child Support. I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the
situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest
you read the entire section regarding General Protection
Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur. The best course of
action will be to push apologize button then reset button
as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long
as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great
program but is very high maintenance.

A psychiatrist in a mental hospital decided to test three patients to determine if they were well enough to be released.

He asked the first one: What is 3 times 3?

The patient answered: 111.

He asked the same question of the second patient and was told that the answer was Tuesday.

He told both that they werent healed and had to stay.

He asked the third one: What is 3 times 3?

The reply: 9.

Great!!! Youre cured! You can go home, but tell me how you knew the answer?

The patient replied: Simple. I divided 111 by Tuesday!

In todays era of affirmative action and politically correct
speaking, it is no longer acceptable to say handicapped or
disabled. Challenged is now the acceptable term.

Such was the case when a morning radio personality (somewhere
around Maryland) recently reported a traffic jam caused by a
mechanically challenged vehicle.

The unfortunate thing about using the word challenged when
referring to a disabled person is, it wont change the nature of their
disability, nor is it likely to change peoples feelings toward them.
Instead, as has happened with so many other words, challenged will
take on the new meaning. Twenty years from now, when we say that a
skier was challenged by an expert slope, we will probably mean that
he broke his leg.

GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I got one… I got real snippy.

2. I heard you had herpes…and I feel terrible…Id say Get well soon…but I know its incurable.

3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire….I found your cat…Sorry!

4. You had your bladder removed and youre on the mends…. heres a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

5. Youve announced that youre gay, and wont that be a laugh, when they find out youre one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

6. So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day… look at the bright side, shes a really good lay.

7. Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be…Dont fret about your wife though… Shes moving in with me.

8. Your computer is dead… and it was so alive… you shouldnt have installed… Win95.

9. You totalled your car… and cant remember why… maybe it was… that case of Bud Dry

10. So you lost your job… Its one of those hardships in life… Next time, work harder… and stay away from the bosss wife.

Heard on Politically Incorrect last night:

Robert Shapiro comes up to O.J. and says,
I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, your blood is all over the
crime scene, and the DNA tests pretty much prove you did it. The good news
is, your cholesterol is 130.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, You see, its like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, cause its sooooooooooo much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she….

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!

WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out 🙂

1: Reply to everything someone says with, thats what YOU think!

2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.

(This one is especially useful if youre having a yard sale!)

3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask – are you sure?

(Not recommended at Biker Bars)

4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying blah, blah, blah, blah.

5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)

6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now. If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast 🙂

7: Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TVs so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what youre doing, insist that you like it that way.

8: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

A: They flip you off – plus 20 points.

B: They wave at you – minus 10 points.

C: No reaction or blank stare – minus 10 points.

D: They trip or run into something while staring – plus 25 points.

Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.

Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. Then he got an idea. He had seen elephants lift one leg, and even two legs. Once in a circus hed even seen an elephant lift three legs in the air and stand on just one.

So Reggie announced to the world that hed pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant stand in the air on no legs. However, each person who wanted to try would have to pay a hundred dollars.

People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism, but no one could make the elephant rise up in the air.

Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed Reggie: Is it true that youll pay ten thousand dollars if I make your elephant get off all four legs?

Yes, Reggie said, but youve got to pay one hundred dollars to try.

The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill. Then he went back to he car and took out a metal club. Then he walked behind the elephant and swung hard, hitting the elephant smack on the balls. The elephant let out a roar and flew up into the air.

After the little man had collected his ten thousand dollars, Reggie was very depressed. Hed only taken in eight thousand dollars and now hed not only lost a couple of grand but still had the problem of feeding and housing the elephant.

Suddenly Reggie got another inspiration. He knew that elephants could move their heads up and down, but he had never seen one move from side to side. So he announced that he would pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant move his head from side to side. However, each person who wanted to try had to pay one hundred dollars.

People came from near and far. They paid their hundred and they tried, but, of course, none succeeded.

Then just when things were going well, a familiar blue convertible drove up and the little man came out. He addressed Reggie: Is it true that youll pay me ten thousand dollars if I can make your elephant move his head from side to side?

Yes, said Reggie, but youve got to pay a hundred dollars to try.

The little man handed Reggie the hundred dollars. Then he returned to his car and took out his metal club. He walked up to the elephant.

Do you remember me? he asked.

The elephant nodded by shaking his head up and down.

Do you want me to do it again?

The elephant quickly shook his head … Noooo!

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.Then he said: Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.The first asked, What did you do there?To which the other replied, I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.