She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED PERSON.She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich! The panda yells back at the manager, Hey man, Im a PANDA! Look it up!



The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:



A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. If you believe in me enough to give me $50, he said, I will grant you eternal life. Sorry, Im an atheist, the fellow replied, and have never believed in God. God walked up to another man and made the same offer. Well, Im an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not, the guy said, but heres 50 bucks, just in case. As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. Im Pat Robertson and dont really care if youre God or not, he said excitedly. Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and Ill give you $100!

There was a blue fish in a yellow tank, a yellow fish in a red tank, a red fish in a green tank, and a green fish in a blue tank. All the fishes wanted to be back at their own tanks, with their own colors. So, they agreed, to jump out of their bowls and into their matching colored bowls. The bowls were close together, so this wouldnt be too difficult.The blue fish went first. He jumped from the yellow tank, and landed right in the blue tank, where the green fish was also at this point. The yellow fish decided to take the leap next, and from his red tank, he splashed right into his yellow tank. After that, the red fish escaped from his green tank, and splashed back into the red one.The blue fish told the green fish to get moving, back to his home tank. The green fish wasnt as bold, and he turned to the blue fish and said, Can I stay here with you for a little while? The blue fish quickly responded and said, I thought we all agreed on this, you have to go.And plus, wholl keep the algi company?

David Lettermans 10 New Slogans for Exxon:

10. Weve got oil to spare.

9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.

8. Anybody got a tissue?

7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and well kill you.

6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.

5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.

4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident.

3. If it wasnt for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.

2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.

1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, … Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call Teds, or Hales!

He didnt want any advice.

A college boy and his girlfriend went out the night before their major exams. Both of them were totally pissed out of their minds when

they got back home. The next day they were so hungover they



missed most of their class. When they finally showed up, their was only 15 min. left in class before papers had to be turned in. They told the professer that their cars tire popped and they couldnt flag down a ride. The professer uh huhed with sympathy and told them they could write the exam the next day. The next day they came in and were sent into different rooms. The cover of the test said, this will determine all I need to know. They opened the test and saw there was only one question. Which tire was it?

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, Can I have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic please?
The barman serves him and says, Why the large pause?
Polar Bear says, Dont know, Ive always had them!

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.

Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was

another way that would cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the

doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the first night of intimacy, the woman came back to the

doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood,

everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

Simple…I tied your pubic hairs together!