1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.



2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.



3. Men who have tattoos think they have a piece of artwork on them. Yeah, like a flaming skull is art?



4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he

coaches the players from our living room, and if theyre really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.



5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.



6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.



7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.



8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.



9. All men hate to hear We need to talk about our relationship. These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.



10 Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.



11 Men have an easier time buying bathing suits, Women have two types: depressing and more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.



12 Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.



13 Women take clothing much more seriously than men Ive never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh no, Im so embarrassed; Ive got to get out of here. Theres another man wearing a black tuxedo.



14 Most men hate to shop Thats why the mens department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.



15 If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.



16 If youre dating a man who you think might be Mr Right, if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only

works on cocoons and butterflies.



17 No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.



18 When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.



19 When four or more women get together, they talk about men.



20 Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.



21 Most women are introspective: Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled? Most men are outrospective: Did my team win? Hows my car?



22 If a man says, Ill call you, and he doesnt, he didnt forget.. he didnt lose your number.. he didnt die. He just didnt want to call you.



23 Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, Are we going to have fun again? He said, Maybe.. next year.



24 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem Get out and I never want to see you again might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children. Sometimes they leave skid marks.



25 Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.



26 Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.



27 Men forget everything; women remember everything. Thats why men need instant replays in sports Theyve already forgotten what happened.

There is one of those large, portable flashing signs in front of the
School for the Blind in Louisville, KY with the following message:

WELCOME BACK STUDENTS

Now, Id like to know why.

Richard McKewen

A little blind bunny and a little blind snake met each other in the

woods one day and, as neither of them could see themselves, they

decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the

bunny would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also

know what he was. The snake ran his tongue over the bunny.

Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose the snake said you must

be a bunny.

The bunny then ran his paws over the length of the snake and said,

Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard …. you must be a

lawyer!

A man was taking a walk, and desided to go through the old graveyard as a shortcut. Now, it just so happens Betoveens grave happened to be in that cemetary, and the man walked past it. He heard the 1st symphany playing backwards, and took notice to the name on the gravestone, but kept walking, though a little puzzled.The next day, he called some friends, and they went back to look at the grave. This time, it was playing the 2ND symphany, still playing backwards! They thought it strange, but went home confused.The next day, the mans friends called their friends, and they all came once again to the grave. This time the 3RD symphany was blaring on, backwards yet again! Crazy! The man thought, and invited the whole village to join him the next day.So the next day, the whole town came, and heres the grave, music going on and on, but this time its the 4TH symphany, you guessed it… BACKWARDS! They all agreed to come back the next day, and dig up what ever, or whoever was making that sound.The next day though, when the citizens were unloading their shovels, the man stopped to ask the old jainitor what was going on. The old man said Dont you know? Hes decomposing!

A man was travelling from Cape Town to Johannesburg when he stopped for a young hitchhiker somewhere in the middle of the Karoo. It happened that the youngster had a cleft palate and thus spoke somewhat nasally. The motorist naturally felt very sorry for the young man.

After driving for an hour or so with very little conversation between them, the man pulled off for a roadside lunch. He opened his picnic basket and offered the youngster some of his sandwiches.

Thank you, Thir, but becauth of my problem I cannot eat anything that may cauth crumbth to enter my palate, he replied. The man felt he couldnt eat either under the circumstances and opened his thermoflask of coffee.

Would you like some coffee, son? he asked. Thank you, yeth Thir, but becauth of my problem you will have to help me. I cannot drink anything that will end up in my palate, tho have to take it anally by means of thith thpecial funnel.

The obliging motorist, feeling very sorry for the poor chappie, agreed. The youngster pulled down his pants, bent over and inserted the funnel. The man slowly poured some coffee down the funnel. The youngster however jumped up, saying Ouch!!.

Sorry Son, was it too hot?

No Thir, no sugar!

Three factory workers were needling a shy co-worker who just returned from his honeymoon.

They each bragged about how many times theyd had sex on their honeymoon.

One said five times, another said seven and a real mach jock claimed hed done it ten times. Punching the shy guy in the chest, he demanded to know how many times he did it.

Blushing and hesitant he answered, We only did it once. My wife wasnt used to it.

1. Bicycles dont pregnant.

2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.

3. Bicycles dont have parents.

4. Bicycles dont whine unless something is really wrong.

5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.

6. Bicycles dont care how many other bicycles youve ridden.

7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.

8. Bicycles dont care how many other bicycles you have now.

9. Bicycles dont care if you look at other bicycles.

10. Bicycles dont care if you buy bicycle magazines.

11. Youll never hear, Suprise, youre goning to own a new bicycle unless you go out and buy one yourself.

12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.

13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you dont have to discuss politics with it.

15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.

16. You dont have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.

17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you dont have to apologize before you ride it again.

18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.

19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.

20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

21. Bicycles dont get headaches.

22. Bicycles dont insult you if youre a bad rider.

23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.

24. Bicycles dont care if youre late.

25. You dont have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

26. If your bicycle doesnt look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.

29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem.

Whats the problem, Adam?, God replies.

Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but Im just not happy

Why is that, Adam?, comes the reply from the heavens.

Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.

Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you.

Whats a woman, Lord?

This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you., replies the heavenly voice.

Sounds great.

She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.

How much will this woman cost me Lord?, Adam replies.

Shell cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?

The rest, as they say, is history.

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.

ME: Is this AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: Is this AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: The phone company.

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We arent selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, thats 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, thats right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?

AT&T: Thats right.

ME: 365 days a year.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! Thats amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: Thats quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, its amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

ME: You said youd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. Im just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didnt mean wed be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that youll give me 10 cents a minute, that Ill give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? Ive read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?

AT&T: Sir, I dont think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?

ME: Yeah.

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

ME: Is This A T &T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to

get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, Ill transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?

ME: No, but I was wondering – do you have that Friends and Family

thing because Im an only child and Id really like to have a little brother…

AT&T: click……..

Windows Problem

Im wondering if anybody can help me with a problem Im having on my
computer at work. I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from Windows 3.1416,
and Ive noticed that when I running WordWanker Version 2.0.9.4 (which I
upgraded from 1.8.4.7) in conjunction with FaxBuddy! Version
4.2.4.3.7857, everything works fine for about the first 25 minutes, but
then if I try to type a subordinating conjunction followed by any form of
the verb foment, the keyboard locks up permanently and the hard drive
makes a whimpering sound and all current data is erased, including data
in computers several cubicles away. I have tried everything, including
reformatting my hard drive and exorcism. Please help!

Reply To: Windows Problem

I had exactly the same problem, and after a lot of trial and error I
found out that if you click on the Windows Control Panel, then on Command
Center, then on Reset Variables, then on Establish New Parameters, then
on Define Standards, then on Modify Criteria, then on Effectuate
Paradigms, then on the little icon that says Do Not Ever Click On This
Little Icon, then go down to the box that says Enter New Value, and type
in 2038, you will still have the same problem. This is why I started
using heroin.