An Italian bus driver and a priest were sitting in the waiting room at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted into Heaven.

After a while, St Peter came and called in the bus driver.

Immediately the priest jumped up and ran over to St Peter, saying, Surely it cant be right that hes going in before me?

Well, said St Peter, wasnt it the case that when you preached in the church, people mostly sat and slept? But when the bus driver drove on those roads in Rome, all the passengers sat up and shouted, Oh God! Oh God!

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is…When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it
had run a stop sign. May I see your drivers license and registration please?

Whats the problem, officer?

Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.

Oh, come on pal, there wasnt a car within miles of me.

Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways,
and proceed with caution.

You gotta be kidding me!

Its no joke, sir.

Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles,
and proceeded with caution.

Thats beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and
you didnt. Now if I may see your license and…

Youve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! Whats the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?

Sir, Ill overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration
immediately!

I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a
complete stop.

The police officer had enough, Sir, I can do better than that. He opened the
car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat
him over the head with his nightstick.

Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)

Best Place in Town to take a Leak



Sign over a gynecologists office

Dr. Jones, at your cervix.



On a Plumbers truck:

We repair what your husband tried to fix.



On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:

Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.



Pizza shop slogan:

7 days without pizza makes one weak.



At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

Invite us to your next blowout



Door of a plastic surgeons office:

Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it



At a laundry shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.

Would that be satisfactory?



At a towing company:

We dont charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.



On an electricians truck

Let us remove your shorts.



In a non-smoking area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.



On a maternity room door:

Push. Push. Push.



At an optometrists office:

If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.



On a taxidermists window:

We really know our stuff.



In a podiatrists office:

Time wounds all heels.



On a fence:

Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.



At a car dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.



Outside a muffler shop:

No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.



In a veterinarians waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!



At the electric company:

We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.

Q. why did michle jackson get food poisoning

A. he ate a 10 yr. old weiner

Upon completeing his examination of his patient, a doctor told him to get dressed. Im afraid your condition is farily poor. The doctor sighed. The best thing for you to do would be to give up liquor, stop smoking, give up all that rich food youve been eating at fancy restaurants, and stop seeing all those young women who keep you out untill all hours.

The patient thought for a momment. Whats the next best thing?

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares? More importantly, how did she get out of the kitchen?

The warden was making his usual round at the asylum and saw one of the inmates holding a fishing rod. He had the end of the rod dangling in the washbasin. Trying to be kind, the warden asked, “Catch anything?”

The inmate replied, “In a washbasin? Are you crazy.”

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party.

That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. Dont let me spoil a good time for you, she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, I wonder what my husband really does when Im not around.

She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldnt recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked Well, how was the party?

He replied, It was no fun without you honey.

She said, I dont believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!

He replied, Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY:

1. Dad, when he gets a cold.

2. Moms youngest child, even if hes 42.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Moms reason for having kids do things which cant be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

COOK:

1. Act of preparing food for consumption.

2. Moms other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See DADS UNDERWEAR.

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See WISHFUL THINKING.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

EXCUSE ME: One of Moms favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be put out by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question Whats for dinner tonight? See SARCASM

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Moms kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

I SAID SO: Reason enough, according to Mom

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JEEEEEEEEZ!: Slang for Gee Mom, isnt there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An exaggeration Mom uses to transform her childs papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See Kids Friends

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look like a tramp.

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once its turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

MOMMMMMMM!: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH:

1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.

2. Main element of Moms favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of childrens mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Moms nickname for Dad.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who dont eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because theyre buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddybear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list, and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because its in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear the geeky thing.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive childrens clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her childs special needs.

TERRIBLE TWOS: Having both kids at home all summer.

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be Just like Daddy.

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum.

WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kids lunch box even more mortifying.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.