A man walks into a pub with an ostrich to his left and a cat on his right. He orders a pint of beer for himself, the ostrich and the cat.

The cat shouts Im not paying for this round, Im not paying and they all go to sit down to drink their beer.

When theyre finished the same thing happens, the man goes for another pint each and the cat shouts Im not paying for this round either, you hear? Im not paying!

The bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer, asks the man Whats going on here with the ostrich and the cat?

The man replies I dunno, something went wrong somewhere. I was outside the pub when a genie came up to me and granted me a wish… I asked for a big bird with a tight pussy.

A married couple were golfing in thier front yard. The guy hits two balls and one of them lands in the window across the street. The girl did not notice. She went up to the T and she hit the same window in the same house. The girl felt guilty and said to the husband to get say sorry. They went to the house and knocked on the door, but no one answered, the door just flew open. They made their way up stairs to where their balls had it. When they opened the door a genie-like man was standing there. He said When your golf ball hit you hit my lamp and set me free. for this I give you 3 wishes The man said I want a mansion the genie replied Your mansion is built in your old house The girl sais I want to be richest person alive The gnie replied all of the money you want is in your mansion For the third wish they wished to be famous. The genie replied you are now famous. The couple was all happy now. They were walking out the genie asked them if he can have something in return for giving them all the nice stuff. The Man said like what. can I sleep with you life for one night. The man said yes with no regrets. The guy sat outside for an hour waiting for his wife. When they were finished the Genie said And you still believe in Genies?

…has spent many days crossing the desert without
water. His horse has already died of thirst.
Hes crawling through the sand,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. Theres a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.
Well, cowboy, says the genie… You know how I work. You have three wishes.
Im not falling for this. Says the man. Im not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.
What do you have to lose? Youve got no transportation, and it looks like youre a goner anyway!
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
OK, cowpoke, whats your second wish.
My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, theres going to be a string attached.

Heres a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:



Dear GOD:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have? – Jane



Dear GOD:

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. – Larry



Dear GOD:

If You watch me in church on Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes. – Mickey



Dear GOD:

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. – Nan



Dear GOD:

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane



Dear GOD:

I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. – Love, Alison



Dear GOD:

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? – Lucy



Dear GOD:

Is it true my father wont get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita



Dear GOD:

Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma



Dear GOD:

Who draws the lines around the countries? – Nan



Dear GOD:

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil



Dear GOD:

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane



Dear GOD:

Did You really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if You did, then Im going to fix my brother. – Darla



Dear GOD:

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. – Joyce



Dear GOD:

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)



Dear GOD:

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.



Dear GOD:

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce



Dear GOD:

If we come back as something else, please dont let me be MaryHorton – because I hate her. – Denise



Dear GOD:

If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. – Raphael



Dear GOD:

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. – Sam



Dear GOD:

You dont have to worry about me. I always look both ways. – Dean



Dear GOD:

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.



Dear GOD:

I think about You sometimes even when Im not praying – Elliott



Dear GOD:

Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- Rob



Dear GOD:

My brother told me about being born but it doesnt sound right. Theyre just kidding, arent they? – Marsha



Dear GOD:

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. – Love, Chris



Dear GOD:

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. – Sincerely, Donna



Dear GOD:

The bad people laughed at Noah – You made an ark on dry land, you fool. But he was smart, he stuck with You. Thats what I would do. – Eddie



Dear GOD:

I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. – Charles



Dear GOD:

I didnt think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. – Eugene

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didnt have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

I sure do, he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

Wow! said his friend, where did you get that monster.

I got it from my genie.

You have a genie? he asked.

Yes, hes right here in my pocket.

Could I see him?

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, Im a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?

Yes I will, the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his masters pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!

He answers, I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?

A man comes across a genies bottle on the beach and rubs it. A genie appears to grant the man 3 wishes. First the man asks for a million dollars. The genie grants his wish. The the man says that he has always wanted to be as smart as a rocket scientist and the genie grants his wish.

The man thinks long and hard about his third wish and then say, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and I am afraid of sailing. Could you build a bridge from here to Hawaii?



The genie looks at the man, Are you crazy? Do you know how much material and time that will take?



The man thinks again and says, Then my last wish is to understand how women think.





Would you like that bridge two lane or four?

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, Are you the people that broke my window?

Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. the husband replied.

No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes- Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself.

OK, great! the husband said. I want a million dollars a year for the
rest of my life.

No problem – its the least I could do. And you, what do you want? the genie said, looking at the wife.

I want a house in every country of the world, she said.

Consider it done. the genie replied.

And whats your wish, genie?, the husband said.

Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said, Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care. The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, How old is your husband, anyway?

35. she replied.

And he still believes in genies? … Thats amazing.

There was this guy he walked into a bar. He told the bartender he wanted a beer. Well he noticed that the bartender had quite a body on him. He says to himIm not trying to sound gay but you have a muscalar body but such a little head why is that?

The bartender had been asked this question before he says to me one day he begins. I was walking through the woods and I got lost and then from beyond a tree I heard a voice and it was saying help me I looked around and couldnt find anyone then I heard it again help me well I looked down a seen a frog The frog asked me to kiss her and she saidI will turn into a beutiful genie I looked around and seen nobody was around so I kissed her and there she stand naked and beutiful she told me that I had three wishes She asked me what my first one would be. I said I want to have a body like arnald swarnegger so she muttered a spell and poof I stand there body build and everything I took my clothes off and she says to me your second wish I said I want to make love to you by the lake here and she said poof your wish is granted they lay there for hours making love and then after we are done she said to me you know you still have one more wish. I said How about a little head

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he
wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says,
Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till Im half dead.

A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, Well, Ive always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger? Done, said the genie and disappeared.



Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his size. Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where hed met the genie.



Problem? inquired the genie. Yes, the man responded, Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish? And what might that be? asked the genie.



Could you make my legs longer?