There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.

The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.



When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.



After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.



This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?



We cant, said the woman. Why not? came the reply. Because Im a transvestite replied the woman.



YOU BITCH! screamed the lawyer, …I CANT BELIEVE that youve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!

The golfer, annoyed, says, What is it?



Its a special golf ball, says the salesman. You can never lose it!



Whattaya mean, scoffs the golfer, you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?



No problem, says the salesman. It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.



Well, what if you hit it into the woods?



Easy, says the salesman. It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.



Okay, says the golfer, impressed. But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?



No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! Im telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!



The golfer buys it at once. Just one question, he says to the salesman. Where did you get it?



I found it.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, Im on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.



He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, Im on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole. Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.



He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.



He approached her and said, Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. Im in sales, also. What do you sell?



She replied, If I tell you, youll laugh. No, I wont.



Well, if you must know, she answered, I work for Tampax.



With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, See I knew you would laugh.



Thats not what Im laughing at, he replied. Im a salesman for Preparation H, so Im still a hole behind you!

A Business man, while out of town, decided to play a little golf after a
short work day. He did not know any golfers in this town so he decided to
go out to the course and get paired up there. When he arrived there were no
guys ready to play, but there was a very nice looking lady waiting for a
foursome. He decided (at the suggestion of the club) to pair up with the
lady. While playing the first 17 holes the two got to be real chummy, but
were shooting as poor a game as either had seen in years. They were both
getting very frustrated with their games. On the 18th, a par 4, the game was
about to finish on a good note as they both were on in 2. When they
arrived on the green, they saw that this was the worst green that either had
ever seen. This green slopped away from the cup with a very rolling surface.
He was about twenty-nine feet away and she twenty-six. He looked over the
green and was very frustrated. He said, If I make this shot Ill buy us
dinner tonight. He hit and the ball rolled over the bump down through
the grove, around the short hill, and up past the cup and slowed. Just as
it looked as though he had missed the put, the slope of the green helped,
and the ball rolled back into the cup. He made a great shot. Not to be
outdone the lady tried to line up her shot. She said, If I make this
shot Ill invite you to my place for drinks after dinner. The guy
interrupted her put saying, Wait! Let me help you line up the shot.
He walked all over the green trying to find the groove. He suddenly smiled,
walked over to the ball, grabbed it up and said, That is a gimme if I ever
saw one.

A Pro is giving a golf lesson to a woman on the tee. She swings the club
and dubs the ball. The Pro sees that the problem is with her grip of the
club and says to her, Try holding the club like you hold your
husbands….(you know)

Oh, says the lady, who takes out her driver using the
new grip and hits one 250 yards.

Thats good, the Pro encourages, but
try taking the club out of your mouth.

— You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!

— Sorry old chap! Here, take a shot at mine!

— Did you hear that the board fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?

— Really, for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?

— No, for using the wrong club.

I attended a golf convention in San Diego over the winter and was somewhat
interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers, in
particular, late afternoon league golfers. This study indicated that the
single gentlemen who play in these leagues are skinnier than the married
ones. The way this fact was determined was as follows: the single golfer
goes out and plays his round of golf, has a refreshment at the 19th hole,
goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there, so he
goes to bed. the married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a
refreshment at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing
decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator…

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but hes too polite to say anything.



When I tee off, the singer explains, I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.



Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round.

When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, How about if we play for $100,000?

Tiger insists he couldnt possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.



But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, OK, its your money… when do you want to play?



Stevie replies, Ill play on any NIGHT you choose!

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?

Yes, the golfer responded.

Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?

Yes, I did. How did you know? he asked.

Well, said the policeman very seriously, Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a drivers windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldnt make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…

I think Ill close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didnt hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didnt waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, You know, when I was your age Id hit the ball right over that tree.

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says,

Im Mother Nature, and I dont like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you wont be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.



The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, Hey, wheres your ball?



Its over here in the pussy willows.



She screams back, DONT HIT THE BALL!!!! DONT HIT THE BALL!!!!

Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense:

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, You could blow it in … may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

A foursome is waiting at the mens tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it – and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, I guess all those fricking lessons I took this winter, didnt help. One of the men immediately replies, Now, you see, thats your problem….. You should have taken golf lessons instead.