The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!The room suddenly got quiet.Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. Yes? replied the teacher.Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.


LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

A man staggers into a hospital emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to search for it and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up
the tail and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball…stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.
What did you do? asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!

Dear Brad,
With permission of the author, Terry Smith, Im submitting his
description of a practical joke that he and a friend played on
another friend as a birthday gag.

Terry is sastks@unx.sas.com.

The following account describes a practical joke played on a friend for
his 40th birthday. The submission comes from the narrator, Terry Smith.
Paul is Terrys partner in crime, while Mark is the poor sot having the
birthday. This really happened.

Minneapolis. Saturday.

11:00 AM – My friend Paul and I walk down the street in front of
Marks house. We are wearing surgical pants & shirt,
stethoscopes, weird translucent masks, and yellow plastic
fedoras. I am carrying a boom box playing the theme from
The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly. We are looking at a map
as though lost in this quiet, suburban neighborhood, yet
we do not ask Mark for directions. He is watching his baby
play in the yard as we pass. He stares, says nothing.

12:30 PM – Mark is sent to the grocery store. We are there, same
costumes, same music. But this time, we have small hand
mirrors. We flash signals at him from across the parking
lot as he walks into the store. He stares, does nothing.
While he is in the store, we place a handwritten note
under his windshield wiper. It says, Today is your
Day, Leviticus 9:14. A woman drives past and tells
us we look like gynecologists. We disappear.

2:00 PM – Mark, wife, and kid go to furniture store. Guess who shows
up? Right, us. Since we want to move in closer now, we
wrapped our faces completely in white gauze. We get very
very close, invading his personal space as he tries to
walk down the sidewalk with his family (his wife is in
on the whole thing). We do not talk – instead we make
small noises that sound like TWEET TWEET. We have tags
on our shirts that say Burn Victims. Paul holds an
international picture communication book in Marks face;
he points at a picture of a man playing golf. Mark is
very annoyed, but responds So you want to play some
golf? We say TWEET TWEET and nod our bandaged heads.
They all get in the car and drive away. Paul and I
stand silently next to the car as they exit.
The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly stings the ears of
innocent bystanders.

3:30 PM – Marks wife has made dinner reservations at a French
restaurant. Paul & I go there and speak with the manager
and tell him our plan. They buy the whole thing and
agree to cooperate in full.

7:00 PM – Mark and guests arrive dressed for a fancy dinner.
As they are seated, they notice a boom box in the corner.
It is playing the same weird music as earlier. Mark
doesnt seem to notice. He orders soup, gets it, and
discovers a bloody band-aid floating in it. He calls
the waiter (Rolf), and Rolf apologizes and goes to get
the managers – us. On that note, we appear from the
kitchen (where weve been having a little vino and
watching through a porthole). We are wearing tuxedos,
masks, yellow hats, and frantically saying TWEET TWEET
TWEET! Finally, we show ourselves, Mark laughs like a
raving maniac, we pull guns and kill the other guests,
we give Rolf a big tip and call it a night.

Yes it was one hell of a 40th birthday surprise. For his 50th
were talking about burning his house.

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing. God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.

God smiled. Think about it — who can he tell?

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?
No, I stopped drinking years ago, the bum said.Will you use it to gamble?I dont gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay live.Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?Are you NUTS! I havent played golf in 20 years!The man said, Well, Im not going to give you two dollars. Instead, Im going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife. The bum was astounded.Wont your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know Im dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.The man replied, Hey, man, thats OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like whos given up drinking,
gambling, and golf!

Three men are golfing. There is Jesus, Moses and an old man.

Theyve been pretty evenly matched until they arrive at the 11 hole to find a huge water trap. Moses tees up, and smacks that ball right out into the middle of the trap. Without a second thought he parts the water, hits the ball and gets it on the fairway, one stroke from the green.

Then Jesus tees up. He smacks his ball right into the middle of the water trap. Without a second thought he walks out on the water, and hits that ball right onto the green.

Finally the old man tees up. He hits the ball into the water trap.

A fish swims up from the bottom of the trap with the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the fish and carries it over the hole, where the fish drops the ball and it plops into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man as Moses pencils another 1 in the old mans card. Alright Dad, stop showing off!

I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!Great trade!

Jesus and Moses are playing golf and theyre on the tenth hole. Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green. Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it and a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle that walks over to the hole and drops it in. Moses turns to Jesus and says, I hate it when your dad plays!

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I dont know, but Ive never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow, arent they?

George: Oh, yes, thats a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: Thats so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why cant these guys play at night?