A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, new ball?The guy responds, would you believe this the greatest ball ever made? You cant lose it! You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the lake and a burst of steam goes off for a whole two minutes!Thats amazing, says his friend, where did you get it?I found it. says the guy.

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just like Vince.Who? asked the man.Vince Sabio. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince every single time.The man replied, There are always a few clouds over everybody.Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.replied the cabbie.He was something, huh? asked the man.He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out. added the cab driver.No wonder you remember him. remarked the man.Well, I never actually met Vince. said the cabbie.Then how do you know so much about him? asked the man.The cab driver answered, I married his widow.

[ Ive managed to trace the essence of this story back as far as a
professor in the Department of Mathematics and Computer Science at the
University of Denver. ]

A social worker, a minister, and a systems analyst set out one day to
play a friendly game of golf. At the course, they found a long line
waiting to get to the first tee. They asked the party in front of
them what the problem was, and were told that a group of blind golfers
was on the course ahead of them.

The following conversation ensued:

Social Worker: Isnt it wonderful what handicapped people can do if
you just give them half a chance?

Minister: It certainly is, but those golfers arent on the
course alone. The Lord helps those who help
themselves.

Systems Analyst: Yeah, its neat all right, but why the hell cant they
play at night?

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.



When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.



When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands club. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing. She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.



The golf pro says to the woman, That is unbelievable, I didnt think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem…

How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?

Its Saturday morning and Bobs just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. Hello? says a little girls voice. Hi, honey, its Daddy, says Bob. Is Mommy near the phone? No, Daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank. After a brief pause, Bob says, But you havent got an Uncle Frank, honey! Yes, I do, and hes upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy! Okay, then. Heres what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my cars just pulled up outside the house. Okay, Daddy! A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. Well, I did what you said, Daddy. And what happened? Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now shes all dead. Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank? "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now hes dead too. There is a long pause.Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?

Once upon a time there was a boy who proposed to a girl:Will you marry me?The girl said NOSo the boy lived happily ever after, went fishing, hunting, played golf and drank all the beer he wanted…THE END

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help … and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, Why are you back in so early? Whats wrong? I was stung by a bee, she said
Where?, he asked.
Between the first and second hole, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, Then your stance is too wide.

Q:Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G-Spot?

A:A bloke will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!!

Marty and Jane were driving home after an expensive – yet bland –
dinner. Since Martys minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept
her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet,
depriving him of all the foods he loved.

As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed
into theirs, killing Marty and Jane instantly.

St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a
tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion, Your new
home, St. Peter told them.

Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, How much is this
going to cost us?

Nothing, St. Peter replied. Everything is free in Heaven.

Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.

This is your private golf course, St. Peter said. It changes daily,
representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.

What are the green fees? Marty asked.

This is Heaven, St. Peter said. You play for free, my friend.

Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet made from the
best cuisine Earth had to offer.

How much to eat? Marty asked.

St. Peter replied, My friend, dont you understand yet? This is
Heaven – its all free!

I see, Marty said, scratching his chin. Tell me, is that meal low
sodium, low fat and low cholesterol?

No, St. Peter said. And thats really the best part: You can eat as
much as you like, of whatever you want, and never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!

With that, Marty pitched a fit: He tossed his halo on the floor and
took the Lords name in vain (several times, in fact).

Marty! Jane cried. Whats wrong?

Marty glared at his wife. Whats wrong? Ill tell you whats wrong!
If it wasnt for your daggone bran muffins, I could have been here
fifteen years ago!

Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, Im sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf, and you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse! That must have been very hard for you, considering he weighed over two hundred pounds.Oh, carrying him wasnt that hard, said his friend, sadly. The difficult part was putting him down … and then having to pick him up again after every stroke.