Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

The stages of golf are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.

Dont play with anyone who would question a 7.

Its as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.

If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6 miles backward.

One good shank deserves another.

It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.

No golfer ever swung too slowly.

No golfer ever played too fast.

One birdie is a hot streak.

No matter how badly you are playing, its always possible to play worse.

Whatever you think youre doing wrong is the one thing youre doing right.

Any change works for three holes.

The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.

Never take lessons from your father.

Never teach golf to your wife.

Never play your son for money.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

Its surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

The statute of limitation on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Confidence evaporates in the presence of fairway water.

It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

Its not a gimme if youre still away.

The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The rake is always in the other trap.

The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.

The rough will be mown tomorrow.

The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a 2 inch branch 90%of the time.

Out of bounds is always on the right, for right handers.

The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

No one with funny head covers ever broke par.

The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

No matter how far its shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, its probably because youre not aiming at anything.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you cant learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn it.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes. The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten! The woman said, Thats okay. For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. The woman replied, Thats okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me. So shes the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. The woman said,Thats okay, because whats mine is his and whats his is mine. So, shes the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, Id like a mild heart attack.

Honey, I have a confession to make, a guy told his bride. Im a golf nut. Youll never see me on weekends during golf season.

Well, dear, she murmured. I have a confession to make too. Im a hooker.

No big deal, replied the groom. Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "Whats the matter Jim?"Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You cant get out of here with an 8-iron."

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. Bad day at the course? his wife asked.

Everything was going fine, he said. Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.

Oh, thats awful!

Youre not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.

Golf Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, Are you the people that broke my window?

Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. the husband replied.

No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes-Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself.

OK, great! the husband said. I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. No problem-its the least I could do. And you, what do you want? the genie said, looking at the wife. I want a house in every country of the world, she said. Consider it done. the genie replied.

And whats your wish, genie?, the husband said. Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said, Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care. The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, How old is your husband, anyway?

35. she replied.

And he still believes in genies?….Thats amazing!

[This was posted on a bulletin board in a dorm at UNL. I dont know who
wrote it, sorry.]

The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.

Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club
into the hole while keeping the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before
allowing play to commence.

Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length,
so as to avoid damage to the course.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible,
until the course owner is satisfied.

Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the
course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
recently to the owner of the course presently being played.

If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is
advised to find alternate means of play.

It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times
in one match.

Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.

It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the course.

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didnt hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didnt waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, You know, when I was your age, Id hit the ball right over that tree.With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.The old man offered one more comment, Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.

IM GLAD IM A MAN Im glad Im a man, you better believe; I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts; I can get where I want to — north, south, east or west. I dont get wasted after only 2 beers; and when I do drink I dont end up in tears. I wont spend hours deciding what to wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I dont go around checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I dont whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. Im glad Im a man, Im so glad I could sing; I dont have to sit around waiting for that ring. I dont gossip about friends or stab them in the back; I dont carry our differences into the sack. Ill never go psycho and threaten to kill you; or think every guy out theres trying to steal you. Im rational, reasonable, and logical too; I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball; its more fun than dealing with women after all. I wont cry if you say its not going to work; I wont remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure; I wont assume its permanent by any measure. Yes, Im so very glad Im a man, you see; Im glad Im not capable of child delivery. I dont get all bitchy every 28 days; Im glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. Im a man by chance and Im thankful its true; Im so glad Im a man and not a woman like you! IM GLAD IM A WOMANIm glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam. I dont brag to my buddies about my erections; I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown; and I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt; my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I dont go around “re-adjusting” my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind. Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind! Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing; I dont have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back; when I lean over you cant see three inches of crack. And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb; Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side; Im a woman, you know – Ive got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball; I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I wont tell you my wife just does not understand; or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep; then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, Im so very glad Im a woman, you see; forget all about that old penis envy. I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks; join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. Im a woman by chance and Im thankful, its true; Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

A German, Englishman and American are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families. The German says, I have 4 kids, one more and theyll make a basketball team.

The Englishman says, Huh! Thats nothing I have 10 boys; one more and Ill be the world-champion soccer-teams coach.

The American starts laughing. He says, Ive had 17 wives and no kids! But one more wife and Ill open a golf course!