There were three golfers.

One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.

The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.

As you may have guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.

The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water.

However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.

As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away.

Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle.

Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.

Then Jesus shouted, Dad! If you do that again,Im going to stop inviting you to play golf with us!

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.

He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.

My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.



I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.



Sure enough, he said that I had three times the normal length of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.



I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery — provided that I didnt play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.



Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.



Then I asked him what had become of the rest of me.



He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it…

and watched it duck hook two fairways away…

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked him what was wrong.

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, he said, but I always get emotional at this hole… it holds very difficult memories for me.

One of his buddies asked, What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack – right at this very hole!

The other golfers were stunned by this revelation. That must have been a horrible day for you!

Bob cried out in disbelief, Horrible doesnt even begin to cover it. It was absolute hell for me. Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse, it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, Its all right maam, theyre just golf balls.



She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, Tell me – is that something like tennis elbow?

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.



This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural



tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,



eventually, a lifetime.





LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your



worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number



of people you tell about the former.





LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be



proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf



ball, the greater its attraction to water.





LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,



the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.





LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing



partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the



universe.





LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself



as an instuctor.





LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate



golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.





LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.





LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.





LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works



against you?





LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the



clubhouse.





LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone



in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of



a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS



agent — or some similar combination.





LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.





LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another,



particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)





LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.





LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly,



tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.





LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one



who beats you.





LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your



score to what it really should be.





LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.





LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the



sunset of the same day.

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling Gama Su!, Gama Su!. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, Gama Su! Gama Su!



Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!

The golfer, annoyed, says, What is it?

Its a special golf ball, says the salesman. You can never lose it!

Whattaya mean, scoffs the golfer, you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?

No problem, says the salesman. It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.

Well, what if you hit it into the woods?

Easy, says the salesman. It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.

Okay, says the golfer, impressed. But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?

No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! Im telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!

The golfer buys it at once. Just one question, he says to the salesman. Where did you get it?

I found it.

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the mens game.

Dont they know theyre supposed to let us play through? asked the first man. The other man shook his head. Im going to go ask them if we can play through, said the first man, emphatically, Enough is enough.

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

Oh God, he said to his friend, This is awful. Youre going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.

The other man shrugged, and said No sweat. He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, Small world!

You’ve ever been shirtless at a freezing football game.Your carpet used to be part of a football field.Your basketball hoop used to be a fishing net.There’s a roll of duct tape in your golf bag.You know the Hooter’s menu by heart.Your mama is banned from the front row at wrestling matches. Your bowling team has it’s own fight song.You think the “Bud Bowl” is real.You wear a baseball cap to bed.You’ve ever told your bookie “I was just kidding”.