A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking hed try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole."Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro."Uh… youre supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again."Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and a small, elderly man were playing golf.



Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green.



Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green.



The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the ball and began to swim away. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly off. As the hawk passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup.



Jesus then turned to the old man and said, Look Dad, if youre going to play, play fair.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.



2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.



3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.



4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.



5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.



6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.



7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.



8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.



9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.



10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.



11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play

when this is the case.



12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.



13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.



14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours)



15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. (Normally
one club and two balls)
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club
to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the
course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well
formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment
for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a
private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
careful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course.
Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the
rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer
to continue to play several different courses.

Whats the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. I cant find any green golf balls, the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, Before you go, could you tell me why in the world you want green golf balls?

Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.



What happened? says the wife. You should have been home hours ago!



Harry had a heart attack at the third hole, replied the husband.



Oh, thats terrible, says the wife.



I know, the husband answers. All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…

Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third
week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.

Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?

Bob: Darts?

Bill: Nah.

Bob: Shoot some pool?

Bill: Nah.

Bob: Cards?

Bill: Nah. Hey, Ive got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around
with my wife.

Bob: Whadaya mean?

Bill: Just what I said. Well go to my house and we can fool around with my
wife.

Bob: What about me?

Bill: Shes a sport. She wont mind at all.

Bob: Well… if you think its okay…

Bill: Sure. Cmon, lets go!

<at Bills house>

Bill: Honey, Im home. Honey. SWEETHEART! Damn! She musta gone shopping.
Tell ya what, Bob. Lets go to YOUR house!

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look
for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, If you release me from this
trap, I will grant you three wishes.
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank
you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition
to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband
will get times ten!
The woman said, Thats okay. For her first wish,
she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.
The woman replied, Thats okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes
only for me.
So shes the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest
woman in the world.
The frog said, That will make your husband the
richest man in the world and he will be ten times
richer than you.
The woman said,Thats okay, because whats mine
is his and whats his is mine.
So, shes the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and
she answered, Id like a mild heart attack.

Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing.
She said, Honey, where are you going?

Jack said, Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that Im a golf fiend. I play golf every day, I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me.

Jessica nodded and said, Well, thats all right. After all, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that Im a hooker.

Jack said, Oh sweetheart thats nothing – dont worry about that for a minute! Its easily corrected by holding the golf club like this…