One day, a man came home from work very anxious to tell his wife something. He tells her that his boss has premoted him to a higher placement in his company, and that his boss invited him and his wife to play golf in a few weeks. The wife replied that she didnt know how to play golf, so her husband signed her up for lessons. So the following week, she went to her first lesson. The insructor explained the way that she was supposed to stand and what position would be best for her. Then he tried to show her how to handle the club, it wasnt working out very well, so he told her to pretend that the club was her husbands manhood. At the end of the lesson the instructor said this, Maam, you did very well for your first lesson, but next week lets try to keep the club out of your mouth.

A fellow has a week off from work and decides to play a round of golf every day.First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, shes very attractive. Hes interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.
She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesnt have a car. All in all its been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the mornings company and competition and says she hasnt enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. He pulls up to her house, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation…
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. Hes actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each others company and playing a tight competitive round of golf.
Again she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she cant agree to this. He cant figure out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.
You see, she tearfully sobs, Im a transvestite.
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
Im sorry, she repeats.
You bastard, he screams, red in the face, You cheating bastard. Youve been playing off the womens tees all week!!

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Players on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft, course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will normally lake time to admire the entire course, playing special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.
Players should assure their match has been properly scheduled particulary when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back side.
Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quick pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole serveral times in one match.
The course owner is the sole judge of the best player.

Note: Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be tevled by course owners and rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players decide to continue playing different courses.

[Ed: Edited]

Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide
to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog
with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with
a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on
its hind legs.

The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dogs
and says, That dog is really talented! What does it do if you
miss a putt??

Somersaults.

Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?

Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Ive heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats,
and thats it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding
up your heart make you live longer? Thats like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.

Q: Both my wife and my girlfriend say I should cut down on meat and
eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: They just dont grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do.
Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And whats corn? A vegetable. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: Is beer bad for you?

A: I normally dont like to answer questions which deal with my
religious values, but I find this question so ridiculous I simply have
to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know beer is not an
animal, and its not a mineral, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone youre on
a vegetarian diet.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to spot for him while he did the bench
press. What did he mean?

A: Spotting for someone means you stand over him while he blows air
up your shorts. Its an accepted practice at health clubs, though if
you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why youre going in, you
probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Cant think of a single one, sorry.

Q: Im getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger,
right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf,
but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!

A: Sorry. I was reaching into my cooler and didnt see you.

Q: Theres a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the
treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?

A: The strato-lounger

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I cant believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.

Well, we were married for 25 years!

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU dont understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"…ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

Dont you have at least one other golf ball?, he asked.

The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. Are you sure?, the friend persisted. What happens if you lose that ball?

The other guy replied, This is a very special golf ball. I wont lose it so I dont need another one.

Well, the friend asked, what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?

Thats okay, he replied, this special golf ball floats. Ill be able to retrieve it.

Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?

The other guy replied, Thats okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. Ill be able to get it back – no problem.

Exasperated, the friend asks, Okay. Lets say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?

No problem, says the other guy, you see, this ball is fluourescent. Ill be able to see it in the dark.

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?

The other guy replies, I found it.

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people–many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women–ooops, women and men–we

present the highest possible honor: entry into the Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame.



Following are their accounts …



Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicles license plate still attached to the bumper.



South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.



Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.



England: A German tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a handicap was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.



Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house–where she realized that the camels name was Otto.



Arizona: A company called Guns For Hire stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.



Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.



(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head–and realized that hed forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.



(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole–are you ready for this?–the banks video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didnt get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)



(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a banks basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed 911 for help…



Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.



(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.

Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, Dad, if you dont stop fooling around, we wont bring you next time.