DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

It was a the end of the day for the boaters on a small lake. One boat had not returned. The dock master could see the boat on the water. He calls out Boat number 91, its time to return to the dock!

His boss hears him call out to boat 91. The boss says to the dock master, We dont have a boat number 91.

At that, the dock master pauses, then turns to the boat on the water and calls out, Boat number 16, do you have a problem?

Really Stupid People

A Los Angeles man who later said he was tired of walking, stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Did anyone see the luge? Its a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-laws death.

DONT ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT! Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

The effects are fleeting and lingering… – Overheard in a hallway

In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted. – CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across. – Announcer on KZOK radio

He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and thats a mouthful! – CBS baseball announcer

An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement. – Irish Politician on RTE radio

This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation. – BBC world service.

We have two incredibly credible witnesses here. – Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

Hes going to step down til hes back on his feet. – Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggarts latest sex scandal

MEGA MORON AWARDS

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes Officer..thats her. Thats the lady I stole the purse from.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]