Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or Ill shoot, the man shouted, Thats not what I said!

IDIOTS & RETAIL

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the banks video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didnt get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Really Stupid People

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, shell discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

Really Stupid People

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

DEADHEADS

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

MADE FOR TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.