The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? I dont know, responded the other. Ill ask him.

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. Why are we digging in the hot sun and youre standing in the shade? Intelligence, the boss said. What do you mean, ‘intelligence?

The boss said, Well, Ill show you. Ill put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can. The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, Thats intelligence!

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, What did he say? He said we are down here because of intelligence. Whats intelligence? said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand.

Your takeing a test for your job and the man said say your nameand he said abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy and z
I just rememeber my abc!!!

The incredibly dumb

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN Im inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again.

When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of confusion.

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australias legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The ost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

The incredibly dumb

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the schools zero-tolerance policy…not to be confused with the zero-intelligence policy.

AHH, THATS BETTER!

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went a little bit too far in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

That race was all about competition. – David Coleman, ITV

And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us. – Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3

Mark Goodier: Whats the name of the company you work for?

Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and

engineering services? – BBC Radio 1

Marling – unbeaten in her three victories.

Peter OSullivan, BBC2 TV: Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets.

James Hunt, BBC2 TV: A church spire nestling among the trees…theres probably a church there too. – Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldnt have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.