In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed – a good $3 cup of coffee.

With Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped … and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground. Police say the apparent cause of death was major trauma. An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy.

Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: Theres nothing athletes like – or indeed hate – more than hanging around like this. – David Coleman, BBC 1 TV

Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams wont mean a row of beans, cos thats only small potatoes. – Ian St John, ITV

Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game. – Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio

Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: We dont appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment.

Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline? – Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4

Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold. – Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV

Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day.

This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat an cat idiot cat busy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat.

Now read this over without the word cat.

Really Stupid People

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.