Three men are discussing their previous nights lovemaking. The Italian says, My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.

The Frenchman says, I smooth sweet butter on my wifes body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.

The Jew says, I covered my wifes body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours.

The others say, Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?

He shrugs. I wiped my hands on the drapes.

KNOCK KNOCK WHOS THERE CHANUKAH CHANUKAH WHO CHANUKAH IS HERE!

Q: Whats the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A:


Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended


up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, My wife Sadie visits me


three times a day. Shes so good to me. Every day, she reads


to me at the bedside.

What does she read? asks Morris.

My life insurance policy.

One day President Clinton was on an airplane with a Jew and a Russian. The plane started dropping. President Clinton took a bomb and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

The Jew took a bottle of wine and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

The Russian took the Jew and threw him out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States–the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse.

He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration. Harry: Momma, guess what! Ive just been elected president, wont you come to my inauguration?

Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I cant face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.

Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please.

Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.

Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.

Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!

Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macys and Bloomingdales to make you look perfect. You must come!!!


Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.

Inaugaration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!

A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird.

Radioing Earth they yell: Houston, weve got a problem, theres a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there.

Go out and make contact, find more about them, was the reply.

So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: Do all Martians dress like that?

Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!

Did you hear the one about the assimilated Jewish man who didnt know the difference between challah & chuppah?

He had a crummy wedding!

Q: How many Synagogue officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Change? How dare you! My Grandfather (may he rest in peace) donated that lightbulb!

The best joke ever