Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, I know tonight is Kol Nidre but tonight is the European Cup Final and my team is playing . Ive got to watch the game on TV.

The Rabbi responds, Gotlieb, thats what VCRs are for.

Gotlieb is surprised. You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?

there are 3 israelis AVI GOLAN AND NIR. these guys are smart as can be. these three just finished high school and they fly all the way from tel aviv israel to cancun. they get to cancun and saw only girls. but girls that you will die for. AVi GOLAN and NIR were the pimps in cancun. they would have sex with each and every girls when they disere. untill one day the kind returned form his palace and found out AVI GOLAN and NIR had sex with his girls. the man caught the 3 guys and said you GOLAN what does your dad do for a living? he says my dad works with chainsaws. the king simply takes a chain saw takes his private off. the second man NIR what does your dad do for a living? NIR says my dad works with steak knives the kind got a steak knife and cut his private off. the 3rd one AVI was smart his dad worked with guns. the king asks AVI what does your dad do for a living? my dad sells ice cream bars so bend down and start licking the kind shut up and walked away.

An ultra orthodox Jewish couple gets invited to a wedding, but are very puzzled by the invitation.


Joel, what does RSVP mean?


Frida, im not quite sure. i think it has to do with something about bringing beer.


no, thats byob.


oh, right. than i think its something about myob.


thats mind your own business, honey!


oh, right, its something about using too much viagra!


Frida didnt answer back, because that just didnt require an answer.


Frida thought long and hard over the next few weeks, and finally came up with the most ethical answer she could think of.


Joel! i finally found out what RSVP means! Remember! Supply Vedding Present.

A gentile one asked Rabbi Goldberg,


Tell me, Rabbi, is it true that a Jew always answers a question with another one?

The rabbi eyed him suspiciously and replied


Who told you that?

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a


powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration


throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year


passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials:

….a Japanese Samurai

….a Chinese Samurai

….and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why


he should be the chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee.


Whoosh! went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on


the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: This is impressive!

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai;


for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly.


Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped


dead on the ground …..in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed in awe: That is really VERY impressive!

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to


step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small


gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! ….But


the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: I


see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: Circumcision is not meant


to kill.

Q: Whats a Jewish American Princess favorite position?


A: Facing Bloomingdales!

A RABBI AND A PRIEST GET TO A HOTEL AT THE SAME TIME.THERE IS ONLY ONE ROOM AVAILABLE SO THEY DECIDE TO SHARE THE ROOM .THE RABBI CHOOSES A BED,SAYS KRYIAT SHEMAH AND GOES TO SLEEP.THE PRIEST SAYS I SLEEP WITH JOHN AND MARY AND ALL THE SAINTS AND GOES TO SLEEP.IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT THE PRIEST FALLS OFF HIS BED.THE NEXT MORNING THE PRIEST ASKS THE RABBI HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT BED TO PICK?THE RABBI ANSWERS THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR BED MY FRIEND, YOU JUST SLEEPING WITH TOO MANY PEOPLE.

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: You will die on a Jewish holiday.

Which one? Arafat asks nervously.

It doesnt matter, replied the psychic. Whenever you die, itll be a Jewish holiday.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like


Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact


that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

The angel, Eliyahu HaNavi, approached God, saying: See that man over there? Every day, he slips a note in the Wailing Wall, asking to win the first prize in the lottery. Please let him win.


God: But….


Eliyahu HaNavi, interrupting: Hes a good man. He deserves to win. He performs many acts of charity.


God: But…


Eliyahu HaNavi, interrupting: Let him win – if not for his sake, then for the sake of his twelve children.


God: But he never buys a ticket.