A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So — youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.

The rabbi continues, And look at this. Heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. He hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, Arent you having any? The rabbi replies, No . . . I think Ill wait for the police.

A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews.

So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, Pardon me, but Id like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?

The waiter said, I dont know. I will go to the kitchen and ask manager.

After taking his order, the waiter went to the


kitchen and returned in a few minutes.

He explained to the man, No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied,


So did my arthritis.

What is the difference between a Jewish mother and and Italian mother???

-The Italian mother says to her child eat this or ill kill you while the jewish mother says to her child eat this or ill kill myself

one day a travel merchant looks out his window and sees an old lady and old man schlepping bags of shopping in the rain.the merchant feels sorry for them and thinks ill do my mitzvah of the day and give the couple some tickets to barbados.

so he gives them their free tickets and they go on their cruise to barbados.

next week the old lady comes in and says to the merchant thankyou for the free ticket,i really enjoyed myself.just one thing though.whos the old man?

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah.

Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, Who wrote this junk?

A man wonders when life truly begins. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.


After consulting the Bible, the priest says, My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that life begins upon the union of egg and sperm.

The man thinks: What does a priest know about life? After all, anyone in the Catholic clergy would be saying that due to the shrinking of their flock in the past several decades.

The man decides to ask a Unitarian minister and receives different reply: The beginning of life is not something that can be determined exactly. Even the words beginning and life are too broadly defined to arrive at a meaningful answer. However we will be having a discussion group about this in three weeks if you would like to attend, the minister said.

Not pleased with the reply, and unwilling to wait for three weeks he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi briefly ponders the question, then states, My son, its quite simple. Life begins when all the kids leave the nest and the dog dies.

No said Abe to Golda, I dont hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.


So what are your plans? the father asks the young man.

I am a Torah scholar. he replies.

A Torah scholar. Hmmm, the father says. admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as shes accustomed to?

I will study, the young man replies, and God will provide for us.

And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father.

I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies, God will provide for us.

And children? asks the father. How will you support children?

Dont worry, sir, God will provide, replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, How did it go, Honey?

The father answers, He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks Im God.

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