Golda and Ruth were shmoozing at the beauty shop and Ruth commented, I hear the girl your nephew Sheldon is marrying has Herpes


Golda replied, Thats what I heard too! I didnt know what Herpes is, so I looked it up in the medical dictionary. Not to worry, It said its a disease affecting the gentiles!

Three Jewish Grandmothers were sitting around, drinking tea and talking about their grandsons professions. One was a doctor, the second an architect, and the third a computer scientist. The Grandmothers got to arguing about whose profession was the oldest.


In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctors Grandma said, The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adams rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat.


The architects Grannie did not agree. She said, But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So G-d must have been an architect.


The computer scientists Bubbie, who had listened to all of this said, Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?

There was a Jew sitting at the side of the road


crying when a friend came along.Whats wrong why are you crying. well I have seen a coach load of Russians go over that cliff. Surely that souldnt make you cry. Normally it wouldnt but there were two empty seats.

Three rabbis were talking over a regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together.

Rabbi Ginsberg says, We have such a problem with mice at our schul. The shammos sets all kinds of baited traps but they kept coming back. Do either of you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?

The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen, replied, We have the same problem at our synagogue, weve spent all kinds of gelt on exterminators but the problem still persists. Any suggestions?

The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg, looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen and told the following story:

Rabbis, we had the same problem with mice at our synagogue. We tried traps, exterminators, even prayers; but nothing worked. Then one Shabbos after services were over a brilliant idea came into my mind. The next Shabbos I went to the synagogue about an hour before services started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of the bima. Well, soon, hundreds of mice appeared on the bima and headed for the cheese. While they were feasting on the cheese, I bar-mitzvahed all of them. I have never seen any of them in shul again!

Feggala Rothstein from Chicago decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920s.

Upon trying to checking into a nice hotel, the concierge told her, Sorry, theres no vacancy.

Just then, a man checked out. Feggala then exclaimed, Good, now you have a room.

Sorry, the man behind the counter replied, this hotel is restricted.

And what does that mean? she asked him.

Jews arent allowed here!

Well what makes you think Im Jewish? she shot back.

I know you are!

Well, Im not! Im a Catholic! she insisted.

So tell me, the man replied, Did G-d have a son?

Sure.

What was his name?

Jesus.

And where was he born?

In Bethlehem, in a stable.

And WHY was he born there?

Because a schmuck like you wouldnt rent his parents a room!

A man went to see his Rabbi and said, Rabbi, if I give up drinking, partying all night, chasing the opposite sex and start coming to Synagogue regularly instead, will I live longer?

No, the Rabbi replied, It will just feel longer.

There was an english man an irish man and a jewish man and they all decided to go in a helicopter. While they were up in the sky the english man threw a dagger out of the door, the irish man threw a sword out of the door and the jewish man threw a bomb out of the door. When they landed the english man went home and found his dad sitting on the floor crying so he said whats up dad? and his dad said a dagger has just fell from the sky and stabbed your mum.


Then the irish man went home and found his sister sitting on the floor crying so he said whats up sis? so she told him a sword fell from the sky and stabbed mum and dad. Then the Jewish man went home and found his dad lying on the couch crying with laughter so he said whats so funny pop? so his dad replied ive just farted an next doors house blew up!

one day george bush is walking in the mountains and


he sees an old man that looks like moses.so bush calls out hey there are you moses?.moses doesnt answer.so bush calls out again and again moses does


not answer.so bush sends his bodyguard over to ask moses the same question.so the guard saysum excuse


me but my boss would like to know,are you moses?


and moses sayslisten im not talking to him cos the last time i spoke to a bush i was wandering in the desert for 40 years

A young Jewish boy asks his father:

Dad, can you give me 10 pounds…?

The father says:

8 pounds ?….why do you need 6 pounds..?

Q: Whats the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?


A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.