A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy persons door and when the owner of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. Im collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and Im wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldnt want to make a little contribution.

The homeowner replies, The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.

Are you sure?, asks the Meshulach.

Sir, Im positive, replies the homeowner.

But, says the meshulach, It says here that youre Jewish, and my records are never wrong.

I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish, replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.

Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you sure you arent Jewish? demands the Meshulach.

For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasnt Jewish either!

K.O. — Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation

DANNY K — Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians

K SERA SERA — Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism

K MART — Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided


to discount their normal fees and make money through volume.

YUD K, VOV K — Under Divine Supervision

IM OKAY, YOURE OKAY — Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association.

The Italian says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have wine.

The Frenchman says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.

The Russian says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.

The German says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have beer.

The Mexican says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.

The Jew says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you cant bring your dog in here.

What do you mean, says the man, this is a Jewish dog. Look.

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

Rover, says the man, daven!.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

Thats fantastic, says the shammas, absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!

You speak to him, says the man, he wants to be a dentist.

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you, but there isnt enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave. The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you this, but there isnt enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave. More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you this, but there isnt enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasnt a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave. More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.

Another hour goes by. Its now getting dark and its cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you this, but there isnt any meat. Go home.

One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, See? Its like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!

A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.

The interviewer asks each, in turn, Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?

The Russian replies, Whats an opinion?

The Pole replies, Whats meat?

The American replies, Whats a shortage?

And the Israeli replies, Whats excuse me?

Synagogue Bulletin Blunders.

These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldnt have helped!

1. Dont let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2. For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers


Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and


they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Mens Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by


Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogues new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came


back.


She replied, So did my arthritis.

Rabbi, the man said, Please explain the Talmud to me.

Very well, he said. First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb


up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean,


which one washes himself?

The dirty one, answers the man.

No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean


and the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes


himself. Now, another question. If two men climb up a chimney and one


comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?

The man smiles and says, You just told me, Rabbi. The man who is clean


washes himself because he thinks he is dirty.

No, says the Rabbi. If they each look at themselves, the clean man knows


he doesnt have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself.

Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes


out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?

I dont know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could be either


one.

Again the Rabbi says, No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could


one man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves.

The confused man said, Rabbi, you asked me the same question


three times and you gave me three different answers.


Is this some kind of a joke?

This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud.

Moses is in the desert and he sees a


burning bush.He approaches and he hears


a voice.My name is Moses,what about you?


he sad.I AM is My name,and I am the Lord


of your forefathers!;Nice to meet you,


I am!;Tell Me, Moses, dont you feel


lonely in this desert?Oh,yeah,very lonely…


Dont you miss your jewish brothers?


Oh,yeah,very much…Dont you miss


your teachers?Oh,yes,i miss them lot


Dont you miss bathing in the Nile?


Oh,yes,is very warm in here,I miss


that cold water…Dont you miss your


mother,Moses? Moses starts to cry,and


he whispers through his tears:Very much


WHY DONT YOU PAY HER A VISIT? Oh,I cant


the faraoh wants to kill me He will not,


I will be with you every step Are you sure?


Sure is my middle nameWill you do that for me? Of course I will,Moses, as I promised


Thank you,Lord!and Moses start his journey


to Egypt.Moses, wait! Yes, Lord?


Can I ask you a favour?Anything,My Lord!


Well, if you go to the pallace,to


see your mother,please pay a visit to


the faraoh chamber and tell him to let my people go,will you?