Three Jewish mothers met for lunch:

Oi, Oi, have I had a week! The first cried, On Monday my daughters husband of 15 years, the father of my three grandchildren announces hes leaving her for another woman!

You think you got problems? Exclaimed the second lady, My son has left his wife to set up home with the man next door!

Thats nothing! Declared the third, Ive lost my cleaner!

A Jewish grandmother was pushing her grandson in a stroller along the edge of the surf on the beach. Suddenly, a giant wave swelled up and crashed over the two of them, taking the little boy out to sea. The grandmother threw her hands up and shouted, Oh, G*d! Oh, G*d! Dont let this happen! Bring back my little bushkin! I cant live without him! I beg you, please!


With that, the wave returned and the little boy was placed at his grandmothers feet. She scooped him up in her arms, looked up to heaven and said, He had a hat!

Three men are sitting on the beach in Miami.

Moishe says; So, I had a lumber business.


Huge inventory. Then one night a tragic fire swept through my yard, leaving me nothing to sell but ashes. I collected the insurance, and here I am.

Bernie replies; Really? Similar story for me.


I had a paper supply house. One night


the sprinkler system accidently goes off, soaks all my inventory, and BANG!, here I am in Florida with my settlement!

They both look over at the younger man.


So… why are you here?, they ask.

My name is Joel and I was a tailor making nice shirts in Hawaii. Without much warning a hurricane hit and blew all my inventory out to sea. Like you, I collected my insurance and here I sit.

The older two men look at each other and nod silently.

Then Bernie says;


How do you make a hurricane?

Q – Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?


A – Under the Vacuum cleaner.

Three jewish israeli brothers come to america. They each get jobs.

The first one is a singer. He learns to say, Me, me me me me!

The second one is a waiter. He learns to say, Forks and knives, forks and knives.

The third one owns a candy shop. He learns to say, Goody goody gum drops!

One day a man is murdered. The three brothers are at the crime scene, and theyre being questioned.

One cop says, All right, now who did this?

The first brother tries to point out the man, but the only word he can say is, Me, me me me me!

The second cop says, What did you kill him with?

The second brother, trying to prove his brothers innocence, says, Forks and knives, forks and knives.

Finally, the third cop says, All three of you are going to have to come downtown with us.

And the third brother, trying to protest, says, Goody goody gum drops!

What happened to the Jewish man with an erection, who walked into a wall?

He broke his nose!

A Jewish man, driven to desperation by the endless delays of his tailor who was making him a new suit, finally cried, Why is it taking so long? I have been waiting six weeks.

So?

So, you ask? It took G-d only six days to create the universe!

Nu, shrugged the tailor, look at it…

Q: Why dont Jewish mothers drink?


A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie ?


A: Its called Debbie Does Dishes.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?


A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: Whats a Jewish American Princess favorite position?


A: Facing Bloomingdales

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, So did my arthritis.

A man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you?


Not too good,says the mother. Ive been very weak.


The son says, Why are you so weak?


She says, Because I havent eaten in 38 days.


The man says, Thats terrible. Why havent you eaten in 38 days?


The mother answers, Because I didnt want my mouth filled with food if you called.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother hes been given a part in the school play.


Wonderful. What part is it?


The boy says,I play the part of the Jewish husband.


The mother scowls and says, Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

Q. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?


A. Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?


A. (Sigh) Dont bother, Ill sit in the dark, I dont want to be a nuisance to anybody.

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the days lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

Mr. Goldblatt, announced little Joey, theres somethin I cant figure out.

Whats that Joey? asked Mr. Goldblatt.

Well accordin to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?

Right.

An the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?

Er — right.

An the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?

Again youre right.

An the Children of Israel fought the gyptians, an the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an the Children of Israel wuz always doin somethin important, right?

All that is right, too, agreed Mr. Goldblatt. So whats your question?

What I wanna know is this, asked Joey, What wuz the grown-ups doin all that time?

A Jewish mother is walking with her small son along the shore, enjoying the sounds and smells of the ocean.

Suddenly, without warning, a huge wave comes in and washes the boy out to sea. The woman screams, but no one is nearby, and she cant swim. She sees her sons head bobbing up and down as he cries for help and moves farther and farther from shore.

Desperate, she sinks to her knees in the sand. Pleading with God for mercy, she swears she will devote herself to good causes and be faithful in attending synagogue if God will spare her only child.

Suddenly another huge wave crashes in, and deposits her son, wet but unhurt on the sand. She lifts her face to the heavens, extends both arms and cries…

He had a HAT!!!!