How do you prevent your bagels being stolen?


Just put some lox on them.

The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays

Rosh Hashanah — Feast


Tzom Gedalia — Fast


Yom Kippur — More fasting


Sukkot — Feast


Hashanah Rabbah — More feasting


Simchat Torah — Keep feasting


Month of Heshvan — No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on ourselves.


Hanukkah — Eat potato pancakes


Tenth of Tevet — Do not eat potato pancakes


Tu BShevat — Feast


Fast of Esther — Fast


Purim — Eat pastry


Passover — Do not eat pastry


Shavuot — Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)


17th of Tammuz — Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)


Tish BAv — Very strict fast (dont even think about cheesecake or blintzes.)


Month of Elul — End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before the High Holidays arrive again.

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.

Minister: I would like someone to say He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners.

Rabbi: I would want someone to say Look, hes moving.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.


A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now Im living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .

A man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you?


Not too good, says the mother. Ive been very weak.

The son says, Why are you so weak?

She says, Because I havent eaten in 38 days.

The man says, Thats terrible. Why havent you eaten in 38 days?

The mother answers, Because I didnt want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.

In school, the professor asks:


-Who can tell me now who was the mother


of Moses? You, Daniel,should know,tell me!


Daniel, a young jewish child, stand up and


answers without hesitate :


– Moses mother was the faraohs daughter!


– No,no,no,no, Daniel…, the faraohs


daughter found him down the Nile,in a basket…


– Yeah,thats what she says

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver wont stop staring at her.


She asks him why he is staring He replies:


I have a question to ask you, but I dont want to offend you


She answers, My son, you cannot offend me When youre as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. Im sure that theres nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.


Well, Ive always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. She responds,


Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic. The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, Im single and Catholic!


OK the nun says. Pull into the next alley. The nun fulfils the cab


drivers fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?


Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, Im married and Im Jewish. The nun says, Thats OK. My name is Eric and Im going to a Halloween party

An Israeli and an Arab tank collide. The Arabs run out shouting: I surrender, I surrender! The Israelis run out shouting: Whiplash, whiplash!

why did the jewish pie cross the road?

because it was meat an potatoe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.

Would you like dinner? the flight attendant asked the man seated in front.

What are my choices? he asked.

Yes or no, she replied.