Moshe wakes up one morning and says to his wife, Sadie:

Aaarrrggghhh, Sadie! Ive got a terrible pain on the left side of my body….aaarrrggghhh….I think I must have appendicitis!

Sadie sighs and says, Dont be silly Moshe. Youre appendix is on the right side of your body!

At which Moshe replies, Well thats the problem! My appendix is on the wrong side!

When Rabbi Levy retired, the congregation decided to plant a tree on the shul grounds in commemoration of his years of service.

At the Board meeting, someone suggested an oak tree, because the rabbi grew the congregation from a little acorn. Someone else, a critic of the rabbi, suggested a locust, a reference to one of the plagues in Exodus. As the discussion became heated, the gabbai spoke up.

None of you mentioned the rabbis service as a mohel, he said, so why not plant an appropriate tree?

So what do you have in mind? the president asked.

Meyer pulled out a nursery catalog. Right here, a tree. A you-clipped-us.

A Jewish mothers answering machine:

If you want lox and eggs, press 1;


If you want knishes press 2;


If you want chicken soup, press 3;


If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;

If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since NOBODY ever asks me how I am feeling. Who knows? I could even


be dead by now.

A Jewish mother was seen running along the beach screaming, Help! Help! My son, the doctor, is drowning!

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.


He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.


When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.


So Moisha explained: We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.


The customs official shook his head and said, Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?


Moisha then said Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.


The customs official slapped his head and then said, You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?


Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.

A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew were discussing how they had dominated their spouses. After the Frenchman, and the Italian finished their bragging, they turned to the Jew and asked, How about you?

Last night, I had her crawling to me on her hands and knees

Impressed they asked,How did you do that?

Vell, I vaw hiding under the bed and she crawled over and said Come out and fight like a man, youputz

Ginsberg meets his old friend Kaplan and says, Kaplan, how are you? I havent seen you in years. Kaplan replies, Truthfully, Ginsberg, things have not gone very well. I just underwent the sorrow of burying my wife. Ginsberg then exclaims, Wait a minute, Kaplan! I distinctly remember attending your wifes funeral ten years ago. In fact, thats the last time I saw you. Kaplan retorts, No, that funeral was for my first wife. Ginsberg then beems and with a hearty smile says, Wait a minute, I didnt know you had remarried. Mazel tov!!

So the Jamaicans did it with Cool Runnings… not to be outdone, the Israelis had the best downhill slalom skier in the world.

They went up to the Winter Olympics with high hopes of the Gold Medal. Through the practices they watched the Austrians, the Swiss, the Germans, the Italians and the Swedish ski down the hill and through the gates.

But the Israeli KNEW that he had it in the bag. He had easily beaten every one of those other guys times!

Come the day of the competition, the Israeli is drawn to ski last. They watched the Austrian – 35.7 seconds. Then the Italian, 35.2… and so on, until it came to the Israeli entry.

The coach waited anxiously at the bottom…. 6 and a half MINUTES later, the Israeli crossed the line!

The coach was furious. What the h*ll happened to you?! he screeched.

It wasnt my fault! yelled back the skier. Some b*st*rd nailed a mezzuzah to every gate!

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and that he is going to get married.


He says, Just for fun, Ma, Im going


to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one Im going to


marry.


The mother agrees.


The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.


He then says, Okay, Ma, guess which one Im going to marry.


She immediately replies, The one on the right.


Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you


know?


The Jewish mother replies, I dont like her.

1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favourite celebrity is Jewish.

2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas.

4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the babys diaper.

7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling youve seen the same exasperated look on your mothers face but not knowing exactly when.

8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after ones Bar Mitzvah.

11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.

12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

13. MEINSTEIN – slang. My son, the genius.

14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.

15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you.

16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock n roll band from Brooklyn.

17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irvs son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork