Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in his life.

After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here.


What made you come?


Cohen said, I got to be honest with you, Rabbi, a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Levy had one just like mine and I knew that Levi came to Services every


Saturday.


I also knew that Levy takes off his hat during Services and he leaves it in the back of the sanctuary. So, I was going to leave after the SHMAH and steal Levis hat.


The rabbi said, Well, Cohen, I notice that you didnt steal Levys hat.

What changed your mind?


Cohen said Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didnt need to steal Levys hat.

The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?


Cohen shook his head and said No, Rabbi, after you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery


I remembered where I left it.

Menachem needs his tallis dry-cleaned. He sends it to the best dry cleaner in town, Ho Chi Wung Cleaners.


They tell him to come back in a week.


When he comes back, they give him the bill, which says $50.00.


Fifty dollars to clean my tallis?!, Menachem reads, astonished.


No, no, no! replies the dry-cleaner. Five dollars to clean tallis, forty-five dollars to take out all knots!

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, Did you buy this cow from Minsk?

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. You are truly a wise rabbi, they said.

How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?

The rabbi answered sadly, My wife is from Minsk.

On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy – who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the mother said, No, no, talk Yiddish! An inpatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew? Replied the mother, I dont want him to forget hes a Jew.

Moshe had a happy marriage for 25 years.


For the 25th aniversary they have decided to go to the same place they had their first sex and do it like they did it the first time.


So, they went to the same forest next to the city and found the same hidden place they had sex 25 years ago.


After all the action was over Moshe said:


– Listen,dear, we ve had sex with you for 25 years but such a performance like today you have never done before. Such good movement, so nice twisting………


– Oh – the wife said – if you had on your bottom the nettles I had today youd twist too!

Chaim and Moishe were walking along a dark alley, and saw two suspicious characters in the distance. Chaim says to Moishe: We better run: there are two of them.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi all walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, What is this – a joke?!

A Jew and a Christian are being chased by the cops


the Christian driver asks the Jew if the cops are still after them.

The Jew asks how do i know?

Christian: are there bright lights on a car behind us?

Jew: yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.

An Orthodox Jewish couple are wondering what to get their son for his upcoming Barmitzvah. So when he gets home, they ask him:

So, David, what would you like for your Barmitzvah?

He replied, I would love a motorbike!

When David had left the room the Jewish couple talked about this amongst themselves. They had no idea what a motorbike was! So, they went down to their synagogue and told the Orthodox Rabbi that their son wanted a motorbike for his Barmitzvah but they didnt know what it was.

I have no idea! he said to the couples surprise. Youll have to ask the Reform Rabbi down the road.

So the couple walked down the road and asked the same question to the Reform Rabbi. But his reply was the same as the Orthodox Rabbi:

I dont know! Youll have to ask the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi further down the road.

So, the couple walked further down the road and found the ultra-mega Reform synagogue. They walked inside and said to the Rabbi there:

Our son wants a motorbike for his barmitzvah but we dont know what one is…can you help us?

And the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi replied, Woah, woah, woah, slow down a bit! First things first: whats a Barmitzvah?

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?


A: Under the vacuum cleaner.