Q: How do we know that G-d has a sense of humor?

A: When he gave us the land of milk and honey he knew that we were lactose intolerant!

Barry Abrams

After Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden all alone.


Of course it wasnt good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.


Adam, He said, I have a plan to make you much, much happier.


Im going to give you a companion, a help mate for you — someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving, and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life.


Adam was stunned. Thats sounds incredible!


Well, it is, replied the Lord. But it doesnt come for free. In fact, this is someone so special that its going to cost you an arm and a leg.


Thats a pretty high price to pay, said Adam. What can I get for a rib?

A young boy had just earned his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, I will make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut, and then well talk about it.

After a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the fathers study where the father said, Son, Ive been very proud of you. You have brought your school grades up, youve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didnt get your hair cut.

The young man waited a moment and then replied, You know Dad, Ive been


thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair andNoah


had long hair.

The rabbi said, Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.

A gentleman by the name of Borris goes to see a Rabbi.


Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.


Whats wrong? Asked the Rabbi


Borris replied, My wife is poisoning me.


The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be?


Borris then pleads, Im telling you, Im certain shes poisoning me, what should I do?


The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, Ill see what I can find out and Ill let you know.


A week later the Rabbi calls Borris and says, Well, I have spoken to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?


Borris anxiously says, Yes.


Take the poison, says the Rabbi.

The daughter brings home her boy friend to meet the family. Things are getting serious. The father takes the boy aside:


What do you do for a living? he asks the boy.


Im a Torah scholar admits the boy.


Wonderful, but what are your plans? inquires the father.


I will be a Torah Scholar, says the boy.


How do you intend to support my daughter? the father asks.


I will study the Torah, and G-d will provide for us, says the boy.


Ok, but how will you provide, Baruch HaShem, for my grandchildren?


I will study the Torah and G-d will provide for all of us, says the boy.


After dinner, when the boy goes home, and the mother and father are in the privacy of their bedroom, the mother asks, Nu, how did it go?


Well, the father says, theres good news and bad news. The bad news is he has no means of support, but, the good news is, he thinks Im G-d.

Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him Your Grace.

The third Catholic lady says, My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, hes called Your Eminence.

Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle Well…?

So she replies, My son is 6 6.. he has plenty of money… broad square shoulders… terribly handsome… dresses very well… tight muscular body… tight hard buns… and a very nice bulge… and whenever he walks into a room… women gasp, Oh, my God….

There was a Jewish woman, and she had three sons, who were in their twenties. They were all at the point of getting married, and the oldest son was the first to get engaged. He confronted his mother with the good news.


Mom- I just got engaged to the best woman in the world!


Thats great Joel, is she a nice Jewish girl?


Well, shes nice, but she isnt Jewish.


Oy. Okay son, tell me her name.


Her name is Yummigucci. Shes Japanese.


Well, son, as long as you are happy, I wish you the best.

So her first son got married. Then her second oldest son came along telling her he was engaged, also.


Mom! Im engaged!


Wow, Eddy, Im pleased for you! Is she a nice Jewish girl?


Well, not exactly, shes Greek Orthodox.


Whats her name?


Krocapocalipessisi.


Well, as long as she is good to you, I am happy for you.

So her second son got married. Then her youngest son came along telling her he was engaged.


Oh, Lenny! Thats great! Whats her name?


Goldberg.


she almost fainted in joy.


Oh, son! im so so so proud of you! i cant wait to meet her! Whats her first name?


Whoopi.

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didnt grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, Im glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows


that Hebrews dont read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!

A gay Jewish boy phones home, and tells his momma that he wants to go back into the closet. The reason being that he has met a wonderful girl and they are to be married.

He adds that he knows this will come as a huge relief to her, as his gay lifestyle had been a source of much distress for her.

Of course Momma is over the moon, and wants to start making wedding plans immediately!

Then after a pause, she ventures I suppose its too much to hope that the girl is also Jewish?

He replies, yes Momma, she is Jewish, and whats more, is from a very wealthy and respectable Beverly Hills family.

Momma is beside herself! And what is the name of this wonderful girl?

And the son replies,

Monica Lewinsky.

There is a looooong pause. Then Momma asks,

Whatever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?

Theres a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.


In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.