Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go


by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: My poor fellow, dont you understand? This is a Catholic country. People arent going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when youre sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: Moishe, look whos trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.

Theres a new Kosher Japanese restaurant opening soon. Its called So-Sue-Me.

Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery.

After a while the first woman sighed, Oy! The others sighed sympathetically.

Then the second woman sighed, Oy Vey!

The others nodded.

A third woman said, Oy, Gottenyu!

The others nodded as if in agreement.

Finally, the fourth woman said, Enough talk about the children. Lets go for a walk!

During the Great Depression, two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they happen by a Baptist Church. They see a big sign posted that says, join our church and you get fifty dollars.

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, Murray, whats going on?

Abe, replies Murray, Im thinking of doing it.

Abe says, What are you, crazy?

Murray thinks for a minute and says, Abe, Im going to do it. The kids need shoes and I have to put food on the table. With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out an hour later with a wet forehead.

So, asks Abe, did you get your fifty dollars?

Murray looks up at him and says, Is that all you people think of?

PICK UP LINES YOU SHOULD SAY WHEN IN SHUL


THEY SHOULD WORK

1. Pray here often?


2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.


3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but Ive been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.


4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.


5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?


6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.


7. Since were in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?


8. The rabbis sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?


9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?


10. Dont let my tallis-bag fool you — I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.


11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.


12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.


13. Isnt this conspicuosly funny


14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you…complete…me.


15. You had me at Adon (Olam).


16. Like an incoherent chazzan, Id like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.


17. I think Ive lost my page number. Can I have yours?


18. Wont you bimah, bimah baby tonight.


19. I may bless God that He did not make me a woman, but Im sure glad He made you one!


20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the womens section all morning…


21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what youve been praying for?


22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbors property. I sure hope you live across town!


23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, youre a 10!


24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?

Boy comes home from school, very excited. Tells his mother he has a part in the school play.


What part do you play? asks his mother.


I get to play the part of a Jewish husband


he replies.


The mother– Go back to school and tell the teacher to give you a speaking part.

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The Rabbi responds, Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.

The Priest then asks, Have you ever eaten pork?

To which the Rabbi replies, Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The Priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.

The Rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The Priest replied, Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, A lot better than pork isnt it?

A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, May I help you, Sir?

Yes, replied the customer, I would like to buy a pound of lox.

No. No, responded the dignified salesperson, You mean smoked salmon.

Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.

Anything else?

Yes, a dozen blintzes.

No. No. You mean crepes.

Okay, a dozen crepes.

Anything else?

Yes. A pound of chopped liver.

No. No. You mean pate.

Okay, said the Jewish patron, A pound of pate. And, he added, Id like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday.

Look, retorted the indignant salesperson, We dont schlep on Shabbos.

A Jewish boy comes home to his mother and tells her he has met a wonderful girl, and they are to be married.

Oh, thats nice says Momma. And what is this girls name?

The son tells her that his fiancee is a Native American and is called Little Running Deer.

Thats nice, honey says Momma, trying to keep a straight face.

The son then tells his momma that he wants to be called by his new Native American name too, and that from now on she should call him Swift Flying Arrow.

OK, honey, whatever you wish says Momma.

Then the son says, You should get a Native American name too, Momma.

Ive already got one, replies Momma. Its Big Sitting Shiva.

A Yeshiva bocher and a seminary student met and started to compare notes about career paths.

The Yeshiva student asked, So what happens after you graduate? Well answered the seminary student, I become a priest and if I do well I will promoted to be a Bishop Bishop, smishop said the Yeshiva boy what is so great about becoming a Bishop? Well, said the seminary student if I do well as a Bishop I can be nominated to become a Cardinal . The Yeshiva boy was still not satisfied Cardinal, shmardinal, so you get to wear a little purple yarmulke, so what? You do not understand the other one said as a Cardinal I get sent to Rome and could even become the Pope! Pope, shmope the young Jewish student said it is not such a big deal, these days he is just a figure head anyway.

The seminary student lost his patience at that at and shouted back Well, what do you expect me to become ? Jesus Christ?

The yeshiva boy answered back calmly, Well, one of our boys made it