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Job seeking

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A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.

He ran back to the White House and demanded the position.

Sorry, said the President, but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes.

Texas lawyers funeral

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Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldnt find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

Lawyers advice

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Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.

Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, I still cant tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.

So Harry yells down to the man, Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?

The man on the ground yells back, Youre in a balloon 100 feet up in the air.

George turns to Harry and says, that man is a lawyer.

How can you tell?, inquires Harry.

George answers, Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.

Legal Birth Control

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Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Theirpersonalities.

Lawyer Job Interview

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There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well-spoken.

Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?

I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.

Your hands? What do you mean?

Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!

Darwin award nominees of 1998

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Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).

The 1998 nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a farm type truck. Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft.

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomburg News Service]

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldnt have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.]

Michael Anderson Godwin made N of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolinas electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]

A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion – Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector DArcy Honer of the Peel regional police. It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony, Honer said.

AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No. 9: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. Thank God we werent on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead stated Wallis. Ive been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how this accident happened, said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Pooles wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

Who owns the cows?

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer–a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,

Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.

The lawyer said, Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Dont worry about the cows!

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.

The lawyer said, Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Dont worry about the cows!

After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concernng these cows.

Don’t worry about the cows! the lawyer said. The cows will be ours!

Engineering In Hell

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, youre an engineer — youre in the wrong place."So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, hows it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God replies, "What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or Ill sue."Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Free haircuts

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A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, you do God’s work. The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, you protect the public. The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, you serve the justice system. The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Choosing a Mate

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers

DOCTORS

Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so dont expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, hell run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. Hell wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.



This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely hell ever meet another woman in his profession.



LAWYER

Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?



Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesnt have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.



SALESMAN

See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Dont be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.



The company that your programmer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.



HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.

Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc, just about the time you are at your sexual peak.



The only hazards that your programmer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask Honey, were you looking at her? hell honestly be able to say that he didnt even see her.



TEACHER

The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. Hell be in jail soon, and then youll have to look for another man.